A Step Off The Soapbox Testimony

I reread my own post entitled A Time To Reject Acceptance because it was brought to my attention that it may have come across as self righteous or even pious. That was not at all my intention, but since intentions are mostly worthless when someone feels hurt I am going to attempt to make reparations in the only way I know how. I'm going to spill some more guts so that my readers can get a better idea of where I am coming from.

Any spiritual convictions I hold have been learned through trial and error, and error, and error. What I believe and how I use scripture is based on my experiences with it and not just head knowledge. I grew up in the Christian culture and I nearly killed myself trying to be a Christian. Then I nearly killed myself trying to get away from Christianity. If I say I am a Christian it is to identify myself as a Jesus Christ lover. I wouldn't call myself a Christian anymore if I realized how overused that title is and how much it has lost its authenticity.

I am in Love with Jesus. What does that mean? It means I know I'm hopeless without Him and I want to know Him so that I can want to live instead of wanting to die. I wanted to die for 11 years before I finally realized that Jesus is everything He claims to be and everything I ever hoped He was. I was a Christian for 21 years without ever realizing He loved me. It was all in my head and I was still dying in my soul.

Would it help you to understand if I told you I was raped when I was 5 years old? Would it help you to understand if I said that that act of violence impregnated me with a fear so intense that I am still fighting to get free? It grew inside me and attached itself to every aspect of my life until I was so consumed I couldn't function and grow like a normal child/adolescent/young adult. Would it help you to understand that everything i experienced in life was seen through that filter of fear and I thought the only way to escape it was to kill myself? But I couldn't even do that in peace because then I'd go to hell, right? I was tormented by the fear of life and trapped by the fear of the afterlife.

If you are still reading you are doing more than most would want to because no one wants to hear about this kind of pain unless its glamorized in a thriller or horror film with clever and compelling cinematography and music.

This was my life until I realized the One I was running from was the One who wanted to save me. The One I thought had rejected me was actually the One who was rejected by me and His own Father in order that He would never have to reject me. He was still there when I came running back like the prodigal that I was. He was waiting and He was ready to lay out a feast, but all I wanted was to eat with the servants and be hired help. I just wanted a place in His household...the barn was enough.

So, I still didn't embrace Him the way I wanted to for three years because the shame was so paralyzing. But He didn't give up. He listened to my cries for help and even when it seemed He was not even answering my very godly prayers, He was. It was gradual at first, but I began to heal, feel and enjoy life again.

I began wanting to worship and praise Him because for the first time I FELT He was worthy. He always was worthy, but I couldn't see it through the pain and despair. All I knew was that I couldn't perceive Him and He must not care. He does care!!! He Loved me before I was raped and He loved me after I was raped and He loved me when I ran away and now He is Loving me as I heal.

You know how when you have a physical injury. It hurts and then it goes numb so you can cope until you can get help. Then it hurts again when the shock chemicals ware off so that you know what needs to be done and then it hurts to clean it out and stitch it up. Then it starts itching when it begins to heal and finally it heals completely. Well, I am at the itchy/burning stage. Sometimes it still hurts, but mostly it itches to let me know I am healing.

Some of you may be asking why I am sharing all this with everyone. I don't think I even know if I have a good explanation for that. I just feel compelled to share my story. I just want others to know there is hope. I just want others to know that Jesus is HOPE! Jesus is LOVE! Jesus is SALVATION, not just from hell, but from a life of purposelessness and bondage to sin.

Everything I blog about is because of that belief. Everything I get on my soapbox about is because of my passion for Truth. Jesus is THE TRUTH!

I don't have it all figured out. I don't live in perfect peace and bliss like I've arrived. That's why I blog about my struggle with anxiety and my questions for God. When I come to a new understanding I post a blog that may sound like I have it figured out, but I may learn tomorrow that I have it all wrong. Until then I am confident of my new revelation of Truth.

I am happy when people challenge the ideas that I post. I may get hurt a little if I am accused of being self righteous or whatever else, but I welcome it because I don't know how else to hold this one way conversation without feedback, be it positive or negative.

I don't know how to be anymore real than this. If I were truly self righteous I would think I would be trying to portray myself in a more glorious light. I would want people to think I was good and free of struggle and sin. I'm not! I am just free now to be human and live abundantly in Christ.

Am I making any sense at all? Or am I just going on and on about nothing?

I find it relieving just to get the thoughts out in written words. Even if this doesn't benefit anyone else. I have benefited by having shared my thoughts with anyone interested in reading them.

Thank you for reading and maybe even commenting.

Jesus bless you always!