Excruciatingly Hurt

I gave birth today...twice. I held my offspring up to the person I trust most in this world and desired that they adore my precious one with me and they did, but only for a few minutes before shifting their focus onto a daily task I felt had no comparable worth. I don't know what I was expecting? I don't know why I feel so excruciatingly hurt. I actually felt like throwing up from the sheer force of grief I felt.

No. I did not give birth to twins. I'm not married and I don't have any children. You may think I am over-reacting and being way too sensitive. You are right. I am too sensitive compared to you, maybe. Maybe I am over-reacting. Who is to say that my reaction to my experience is not justifiable or my feelings valuable enough to describe in such dramatic language? Are you me? Can you feel what I feel? Can you fix it, even? No. Your assessment is based on your life experience, your ways of coping with your own pain and your ways of thinking about suffering so as to not feel overly uncomfortable or out of control.

I don't need your comfort or your advice. I need to be heard. I need to be understood. I need to be validated. Even those who love us the most can't always meet our needs in the ways we need them to. So, I have it out with God. I cast my bleeding heart at His once bleeding feet. The pain I feel He felt before I was even born. He knew I'd feel this and He made a way for me to find comfort and purpose even in this moment. S

Sure, I could use a hug from a friend. I could use a human shoulder to cry on, even. I wouldn't mind having a husband to hold me for a while and tell me how beautiful my creation really is that my loved one seemed to take for granted. But, even if I had those people to do those things for me even they, in their humanity, would one day be the very ones to trigger pain in me. No one is safe or trustworthy completely, but Jesus Christ alone.

I used to trust Him least of anyone. I'd run to a lover of my flesh faster than the Lover of my soul. I would use them to escape and then I'd feel twice as in agony as before I tried to find solace in their arms. Now, I know to whom I can run. I know to whom I can find true relief. I know the One who knows why I feel hurt. I know the One who can lance my wound and flush the infection from my soul that keeps the wound from healing. I know the One who is The Love that heals me. He is always with me and He is always willing to listen and hold me and whisper into my heart the things I long to hear from my human loved ones.

Jesus! It hurts so bad. You gave me a gift and I tried to give it away, but they rejected it. They smiled and sang along, but they didn't receive it. They tasted it, but they didn't let it nourish their soul. Is this how I made You feel for 26 years before You finally got my attention? I'm so sorry, Jesus! I am so sorry for causing You such excruciating pain. Thank You for Loving me instead of pouring Your righteous wrath upon my rebellious head.

I love You so much. Please come hold me tight. Please reveal the source of this wound and drain the poison from it. Flush Your cleansing blood into this dead place and give me life. Cast out my fear of rejection and death from my fellow man and replace it with Your pure and Holy Love. Thank You so much for being wounded for my sin and crushed for my insensitivity to Your gifts to me.

And so...I worship You, my King, my Lover, my Savior, my Friend, my Hope, my Provider, my Physician, my Healer, my Refuge, my Comforter.