Too Sensitive

This has been on my mind all day and I find that it is affecting my desire to hang out with my new friends. I don't expect anyone to understand, but this is my attempt to explain what is so difficult about socializing for me these days.

I am a very sensitive person. I am sensitive to sounds, ideas, others suffering, my own feelings about everything, music, movies, literature, social interactions and of course personal rejection whether it is perceived or real. Fear and anxiety are the main symptoms and responses to these sensitivities, when triggered.

People have been telling me to toughen up and stop caring so much since I was a child. It hurt to hear that, but I was a child, so I ignored the hurt and concluded I was flawed as I was and I tried to do as they told me. I tried not to care when people hurt me. I tried not to be afraid and I tried not to show how sensitive I felt because I knew they perceived me as weak.

When I got older my methods of desensitizing became more elaborate. I would compromise my morals to expose myself to things that might toughen me up. I went to places where the worldly philosophies were rampant. I watched television shows that made light of sacred things and I watched horror films hoping it would callus my soul enough to deaden the fear I couldn't seem to get a hold of. Did all this cure me? No!!! It made it worse.

My heart did become desensitized, but not to my own feelings and not to fear. My heart lost the ability to hear the voice of the Comforter. My heart lost the ability to feel His Presence and believe He was real and true and He loved me. My mind became corrupt and perverse and my behavior followed. I did things I never wanted to do and for which I can never erase the memories. Even if I wanted to do them I knew they were wrong and I hated myself for doing them. Self hatred is a disease and a pit.

I was stuck in that pit for years. I nearly died there by my own hand. Ironically enough it was fear that motivated me to crawl out of that pit. I had to use every fingernail and toenail to grip the slimy edges and work my way out, but when my fingers were nubified I was seeing the surface and the possibility of freedom.

Fear isn't always bad. This fear was the fear of God. I was afraid that in my sin, which was thoroughly miserable, I may be sent to hell if I died that way and then my torment would never end...not ever. That thought scared me more than anything.

I am not going to debate or even try to explain what I believe about hell and whether it is real, eternal or as bad as some say. The truth is, I don't know. I only have opinions and questions of my own. That isn't the point of this post.

All I'm saying is that fear motivated me to seek help. I hated being afraid of God, but I somehow knew that even though He scared me, He was the only One who could help me out of the pit and my destructive lifestyle. Yeah, my choices and actions were bad, but my heart was uglier than all of that combined. Underneath the stain of sin was an even bigger mound of festering wounds I was also afraid of...of course.

I have spent the last 3 years and 5 months crawling my way back to the feet of Jesus. I am have arrived and He is everything I always hoped He would be. He is more Loving, more Gracious, more merciful and more kind than I ever had a clue He could be. He is also more wise and more demanding than anyone I know. He doesn't want me to ever go back to where I was and neither do I, with every breath in my lungs.

I am sensitive. I am glad I am sensitive. It allows me to feel Jesus and hear His tender voice as I continue to invite Him into my festering wounds to lance the poison out of them and flush His cleansing blood through them. That is the only way to cast out the fear in my life. His perfect Love has to do its perfect work in me before I will be free of the fear that has taken hold for so very long.

And so I walk with Him hand in hand and sometimes He even carries me when I'm shaking so bad I can't walk another step. But, like I said, He is demanding. He demands my loyalty and my obedience. It doesn't feel demanding to me because I am so devoted to Him and I so desire to please Him so I won't ever slip back into that pit of deception again.

I don't place before my eyes, my ears, my mouth or my body things that detract me from His Love because outside of His Love is fear, for me. I want to stay under the protection of His wings. What this looks like for me may not be what it looks like for you. I have very strict boundaries around myself for my own protection. I try not to stray outside of them because I know the me I'll have to deal with if I do.

To some I may appear legalistic, overly sensitive, excessively rigid or even irrational, but for me it is a way to guard my heart.

This isn't difficult when I am at home or with people who know me well, but when I meet new people or spend time with people who don't know me as well, I encounter some anxiety again within myself at the anticipation of, or actual encounters of, resistance to my choices. Sometimes it is overt and sometimes it is all perceived.

Today I had lunch with some wonderful Christian friends whom I adore and enjoy spending time with from time to time. All was well until my friend began to talk about something I felt was too much for me to handle. I had asked him to not talk about such negative things once already, so when I realized he wasn't capable of understanding how excruciating it was for me to listen to, I politely informed the party I was with that I needed to go on my way. And I left. I wasn't angry at anyone and I wasn't blaming them for my feelings in any way. I just knew that for the sake of my emotional/mental/ spiritual health I had to distance myself from the content they were bringing to my attention.

I felt awful for leaving because I felt that they thought I didn't care about them or want to be with them. This was not the case. I love them, but I felt that if I stayed I would be betraying myself in an effort to please them.

I am a good listener. Ask anyone who knows me. I am not opposed to listening to others hearts and pains and sufferings, and even rantings and ventings. But when I find that my listening is no longer something I am doing in Jesus strength or it is leading me down a path I know is unhealthy for me then I have to take drastic measures. Leaving is the most used tactic. If the person is willing to listen to why I am leaving then I am happy to explain as long as they don't try to dissuade me of my decision or my reasons for doing so.

Relationships are hard for me. I consider myself to be high maintenance by the standards of the world, but I know that for those who invest in me and take the time to get to know me I have an infinite amount of compassion and Love for them. I am as loyal as Jesus allows me to be and as fun as I am relaxed at the moment.

If you're my friend, or want to be, I guess it is inevitable that we will run into moments where I won't want to see the movie you are seeing, or I won't want to talk about the latest negative news headline. I take seriously the renewal of my mind, the setting apart of my body to be a slave to righteousness and the active effort to think on things that are good, pure and lovely. Not because its a rule and command, but because it is edifying and comforting to my already wounded soul. I can't avoid suffering and pain and reality in this life, but I don't have to feast on the darkness that feeds it.

Thank you for listening to my heart. I hope this will help you better understand why I am alright with the fact that I am sensitive and why I think it is a gift not a weakness.