Quit Going to School and Start Learning

To clarify my post title I should rephrase it, so as not to cause unnecessary defensiveness in my readers. Perhaps this title would be more accurately stated as: I quit going to school and I feel I am really beginning to learn some things.

For me, the school environment has always been difficult because of some major distractions and hindrances to my ability to focus. Social anxiety and perfectionism are two most prominent culprits.

Growing up I experienced an unusual and unhealthy amount of anxiety in the classroom setting due, probably, to the dysfunction and stress of my home life and certain early traumatic childhood experiences. The overwhelming anxiety stole from me the ability to enjoy learning. I was born interested in learning, but that natural enthusiasm was destroyed by my perceptions and feelings experienced in the "learning environment" we call the classroom. This is mournful to me.

I have and always will be a life-long learner. I can find just about any subject interesting if I give it half a chance and once I'm interested I want to know as much as I can.

I recently returned to school after avoiding it for 10 years. I was afraid to go back because of the feelings I always had while being subjected that particular environment. I became interested in massage therapy during my absence, so I decided to take the plunge and face my longtime fear to attempt to study and receive a certificate for the practice of massage therapy.

It was a 10 month program and I lasted one month. The anxiety returned full force and I ended up withdrawing. My defense and explanation for my decision is the subject of a future blog I suspect, but for now I just wanted to inform you of it to drive my point that the experience in the learning environment is a powerful enhancement or distraction to the ability and natural desire to learn.

Other than anxiety, the whole grading system seems to be a major distraction in and of itself. We expect children and adults alike to learn under the pressure of performance and then wonder why their confidence levels fluctuate with every report card. People end up with inferiority complexes or inflated egos instead of just arriving at a more knowledgeable and enlightened place in their minds and spirits. I contribute this to the psychological response to being constantly judged on everything one is learning. I will own this for myself since I realize not everyone may feel similarly about their learning environment experience ( probably because they don't have anxiety or perfectionism distracting them and or they are the one's with the inflated ego).

I tend to judge myself harshly in a school setting. I want to succeed and prove myself to be intelligent, so I put my full efforts forth to achieve the highest expected standards of the school. I received a 4.0 GPA during that month of attendance at the massage school and I have an inflated ego as a result, but I felt I learned much less than I was hoping for.

As I said earlier, I withdrew from the school due to my anxiety and other personal reason I will probably blog about shortly, but my education and interest in massage therapy has only begun to blossom as a result. I am acutely interested in the subject and so I have kept all the books and the massage table so I can continue my studies and practice on my own. It is baffling to me how easy it is to study when the pressure of judgement is lifted. I wait for a particular area of the subject matter to ruminate subconsciously until a series of questions begin to erupt into my conscious mind. Then, as most people do, hopefully, at this point I go research the answer with enthusiasm. This, to me, is how learning should feel.

Learning should be an invigorating experience that promotes vitality and motivation. It should inspire change and growth and then it should expedite itself. Wow, I hope I used that word correctly. I don't think I've ever actually used the word expedite in a sentence before. I think I am proving my point? It should promote, foster and build on itself by sheer force of natural inclination.

This has been my experience and I suspect the experience of many. I never went to a university and I have no degree of any kind. I know some extremely intelligent people who also have no degree behind their genius level IQ's. One is my own brother and the other a close friend. I respect and admire them both and I have learned to respect and admire myself,as well.

I used to feel ashamed when people asked me what college I went to and I had to reply that I never did. I used to conclude about myself what I assume society concludes about me...that I am uneducated and therefore unintelligent. I no longer believe that. I have no degrees or certificates to certify my education, but I am educated and I am as intelligent as I need to be to live my life. Where I lack knowledge I seek it out and continue to pray for wisdom beyond my years. I find joy and peace in this endeavor. I can close the book on shame-based judgements of myself reinforced by societal standards and appraisals of me, and others like me.

It's 5 am and I've been up since 3 researching about essential oils that could relieve anxiety. I'm tired now and I feel much calmer having gotten this all off my mind and into my blog. I'm really enjoying this blogging outlet. Thank you for listening/reading. I truly hope you found it interesting whether you agree or not.

Jesus bless you always, but especially when you trust Him!