Please Forgive Me

The fact is, I can't control anything. I can't control how I feel most of the time, although I am learning to take control of how I react. I can't control other people and whether they like or dislike me. I can't control life circumstances to a large degree, though I can control my choices within those circumstances. Most of all, I can't control God. I can, however pray.

I am finding that I cannot stop praying. I am so desperate that I pray just about all day long. I would be alarmed by my desperation except for the fact that if it is driving me to "pray without ceasing" than I must be desperate for the One who Loves me more than His own earthly life. That is comforting in some way amidst the uncontrollable feelings of desperation.

We sing about this kind of desperation at church in a worship song called "The Air I Breathe". That is what I'm talking about. To be so aware of your utter helplessness without God to guide you. To be so in tuned with His heart that when you look at your own you see how much is lacking and how far you have to go. But, also, to see yourself through the blood of the only perfect sacrificial Lamb of God and know that in Him you are complete and lacking nothing and you have everything you need to live a Godly life. What is this dichotomy?

Is this what it means to give up our lives in order to find True Life? Is this what Christ meant when He said to deny ourselves and pick up our cross daily and follow Him? Is this what its supposed to feel like when we have the ability to move mountains based on a mustard seed's worth of faith. I'm not sure I even have a mustard seed's worth of faith, but I'm sure gonna pray for it.

No one ever told me how hard being a Christian can be. Somewhere along the line I thought it would feel differently. I thought I'd feel strong and that I'd impress people with my overflowing Love for Jesus. That isn't how it has played out.

I have failed more times than not. I have rebelled more than I ever thought I could. I have hurt people and let people down. I have disrespected my self and nearly destroyed my life. All this while I was claiming to be a Christian. Thank God He knew my heart and that I wanted to act like a Christian should. Thank God that He knew how hurt I was and why I was lashing out and misbehaving. Thank God He didn't give up on me when I deserved it. Thank God for the people who loved me through it all so I could heal and begin to become whole. There is so much to thank God for. Mostly, I thank God for Jesus.

Jesus is everything to me. He is everyone I need Him to be and everywhere I need Him to go with me. He listens to me for hours and hours, day after day, year after year..forever. He lets me be myself with Him. He lets me spew out the poison I feel and then He holds me while I cry about how hurt an angry and disappointed I am in life. Then He gently speaks His Truth into my heart and fills me up with joy, peace, hope and His Love. He makes me want to share my heart with others and what He has done in it. He makes me want to be everything He has made me to be. He makes me want to worship Him at every opportunity and in every circumstance. And I just can't get to the bottom of His Love for me.

He Loves me when I am ugly and act foolishly. He Loves me when I do silly things to embarrass myself. He Loves me when I'm drooling in my sleep and He especially adores me when in my attempts to please Him I get all wrapped up in legalism. Nothing I can do can separate me from His Love. NOTHING! NO ONE! NOT ANYTHING! I am Loved forever without condition.

This kind of Love makes me trust Him when I can't see Him, when I can't understand why I am suffering or why someone I care about is suffering. His Love causes me to trust when there is no earthly reason why I should. It is a supernatural trust that I couldn't even muster up on my own.

Being raped at 5 years old does something to a child's ability to trust people and it does even more to a humans ability to perceive and trust a Loving God. The fact that I believe in Jesus is a flat out miracle and testament to the power of Jesus Christ.

Maybe you have suffered in ways that cause you to doubt or even reject the idea that Jesus is real or that God is Loving and good. I don't blame you. I don't blame you if your ability to perceive Him has been marred by the tongues of those claiming to know and Love this God of Love while they judge and criticize you for your beliefs, or lack of. Maybe you have too many questions an too many doubts to make searching feel worth it anymore.

Can I just do one thing for you before you give up completely on this Jesus guy? Can I just say one thing and then I'll leave you to your own decision? I just want to ask you a question...just one.

Will you please forgive me?

I don't know you. I may never have hurt you intentionally, but it was definitely my sin that affected you in some way. I believe every one's sin affects everyone else. Besides that, I want to repent on my knees before you on behalf of everyone who isn't willing to ask your forgiveness for their sins against you. You are worth it!

Please forgive me as though I am the person who raped you, the child who rejected you, the friend who betrayed you, the spouse who beat you and abandoned you. Please forgive me as though I am the person who molested your child or you. Please forgive me as though I am the person who murdered your loved one, or stole your identity or anything that belonged to you rightfully. I stand in the place of the condemned criminal and ask for your forgiveness. I stand at the pulpit of a corrupt church and ask your forgiveness for manipulating you with scripture to further my career and swindle you out of your money in the name of Jesus heaping on the guilt. I ask your forgiveness as though I am the one who hated you because of your race, your sexual orientation and your political beliefs. I ask your forgiveness on behalf of every one of your worst enemies. I beg your forgiveness for the ways you have been hurt, abused and neglected without mercy. I beg your forgiveness for the ways you have hated yourself and wanted to end your own life. I ask your forgiveness for the one who did end it all and has left you to deal with the life left behind.

Forgiveness is impossible without the grace of God, for me. Forgiveness for such wicked and even subtle sins is not easily given because it hurts so deeply and takes root in our very identity.

Jesus died so that I could be forgiven and I could have the power to forgive others. He also allows me the privilege of asking forgiveness for the sins of others not because it can save them, but because it can open a door to the heart of the one offering forgiveness whether the person who needs to repent is wiling to do so or not.

I have no power to set you free from your pain, but Jesus does and He is knocking at your door hoping you will let Him in so He can Love you the way you've always been wanting to be loved.

Like I said earlier...following Christ is no easy road, but it is the most freeing, the most Truthful and the most fulfilling relationship I have ever had and I am in Love. I don't ever want to go back to the way it was. I just want to spend more and more time with the Lover of my soul and the Savior of my life.

May Jesus reveal His Love and power to you in every way you need it today.