When No One Sees Me Fighting

One of the most difficult things about my Christian life is the feeling that people don't really know me. I do my best to communicate who I am to them through conversation, acts of love and encouragement, words of affirmation and service. I try to share my heart: both the struggle and the victories. I am willing to share my testimony with anyone who wants to know, but very few want to know, I feel, and even fewer really want to know the ugly details of the fight I've been through. Perhaps they feel helpless or overwhelmed by it or even triggered into memories of their past they are hiding from. I don't know. It just leaves me feeling isolated.

Its not all bad though because I am a very sensitive person so if they started dumping their life story on me I might feel the same way. It really is God's protection that keeps them from sharing as openly with me as I do, or want to, with them.

But sometimes I want people to know what life is like for me on my tough days. I want them to know that I am fighting the good fight. I am being obedient and standing in faith upon The Rock of Ages. I want them to join me in prayer and encourage me to keep fighting. I want to hear that they see I am doing my best and that it is good enough. I want to be encouraged the way I seek to encourage others. Maybe this is wrong. Maybe I shouldn't seek men's approval. Maybe I should just be satisfied with the voice of Jesus whispering to me in the midst of the battle, "I will never leave you or forsake you. I am your refuge and the lifter of your head. I am He who sees you and Loves you."

But, don't you ever just want to hear it from a fellow human? I'd rather hear it from Jesus any day, if I had to choose one or the other, but sometimes I need human arms to hold me and the physical tears of others to show me they see my pain and acknowledge I am fighting a winning battle. Sometimes I just want to hear someone say, "I'm sorry you were hurt so bad when you were a defenseless 5 year old little girl. I'm so sorry you have had to suffer and struggle so hard just to hang on to a faith that a raging enemy doesn't want you to even believe in."

I believe that is what the church is supposed to be for. We are supposed to fellowship with one another and pray and encourage each other. We are supposed to show love to each other so that when others look on they will know we belong to a God of Love by the way we love each other and them.

Last night when it was too late to text my prayer warriors and family my need for prayer I was forced to fight a very real battle with the enemy. The enemy consists of the world's attempted influence on me, the flesh I won't be completely free of until Jesus calls me home and the powers of darkness and their schemes. I was alone, isolated and afraid (as usual). I thought I was outnumbered and I would surely be defeated.

I got online and emailed my church for prayer knowing they wouldn't get the message until at least the next day. Then I checked my email. There was a message from a member of my church. It was a message of encouragement and a reminder of a man in the Bible named Gideon. He was also forced to fight a battle he felt ill equipped to handle. God told him He would be with him and that despite his being grossly outnumbered God delivered his enemy into Gideons hands. I grabbed my Bible and started reading about this Gideon I'd heard about before but never felt very connected to. Suddenly his story felt very real to me, so real in fact that I spent the next hour on my knees praying, crying out the God my deliverer and claiming His promises from across the thousands of years of scripture. It is full of hope for those in raging battles such as mine.

I put on the armor in Ephesians 6 and I cast my anxiety of Jesus petitioning Him for help and thanking Him for His Love and faithfulness as it says to in Philippians 4:6. I discovered a verse I'd never taken note of in verse 4, too, about rejoicing always in the Lord and letting my gentleness be evident to all. Suddenly the Holy Spirit flooded my mind with all kinds of scriptures and I began to pray them back to Him in a weeping declaration of victory over my defeated enemy. I'll have to blog about my view of Ephesians 6 sometime, but for now I just want you to know that God answered my cry for help. He fulfilled His promises and He gave me peace and the ability to sleep.

I may have been alone in my home, but I was not fighting alone and I was not defenseless. I know that Jesus was there with me and possibly a large gathering of angels with spiritual weapons I know nothing about. Most of all, I had the freedom to use the greatest weapon any of us has...The precious and powerful Word of the Living God. It is living and active and sharper than any two edged sword. We are so fortunate to have the freedom to own and feast upon these Holy Scriptures.

Don't ever wonder why I want to worship constantly. God is worthy and I know it. He is everything to me and I am completely dependent on Him for my every breath, my every joy, my every need and my every victory. I love Him in a way I never knew a human could Love. I need Him more than I ever knew a human could need.

Do you know this mighty warrior God who died to to make His power over the enemy available to you? I encourage you to seek Him out because He is the greatest gift, treasure and prize you will ever discover.

Jesus bless you always and may you come to know His massive, unending Love for YOU!