I reread my own post entitled A Time To Reject Acceptance because it was brought to my attention that it may have come across as self righteous or even pious. That was not at all my intention, but since intentions are mostly worthless when someone feels hurt I am going to attempt to make reparations in the only way I know how. I'm going to spill some more guts so that my readers can get a better idea of where I am coming from.
Any spiritual convictions I hold have been learned through trial and error, and error, and error. What I believe and how I use scripture is based on my experiences with it and not just head knowledge. I grew up in the Christian culture and I nearly killed myself trying to be a Christian. Then I nearly killed myself trying to get away from Christianity. If I say I am a Christian it is to identify myself as a Jesus Christ lover. I wouldn't call myself a Christian anymore if I realized how overused that title is and how much it has lost its authenticity.
I am in Love with Jesus. What does that mean? It means I know I'm hopeless without Him and I want to know Him so that I can want to live instead of wanting to die. I wanted to die for 11 years before I finally realized that Jesus is everything He claims to be and everything I ever hoped He was. I was a Christian for 21 years without ever realizing He loved me. It was all in my head and I was still dying in my soul.
Would it help you to understand if I told you I was raped when I was 5 years old? Would it help you to understand if I said that that act of violence impregnated me with a fear so intense that I am still fighting to get free? It grew inside me and attached itself to every aspect of my life until I was so consumed I couldn't function and grow like a normal child/adolescent/young adult. Would it help you to understand that everything i experienced in life was seen through that filter of fear and I thought the only way to escape it was to kill myself? But I couldn't even do that in peace because then I'd go to hell, right? I was tormented by the fear of life and trapped by the fear of the afterlife.
If you are still reading you are doing more than most would want to because no one wants to hear about this kind of pain unless its glamorized in a thriller or horror film with clever and compelling cinematography and music.
This was my life until I realized the One I was running from was the One who wanted to save me. The One I thought had rejected me was actually the One who was rejected by me and His own Father in order that He would never have to reject me. He was still there when I came running back like the prodigal that I was. He was waiting and He was ready to lay out a feast, but all I wanted was to eat with the servants and be hired help. I just wanted a place in His household...the barn was enough.
So, I still didn't embrace Him the way I wanted to for three years because the shame was so paralyzing. But He didn't give up. He listened to my cries for help and even when it seemed He was not even answering my very godly prayers, He was. It was gradual at first, but I began to heal, feel and enjoy life again.
I began wanting to worship and praise Him because for the first time I FELT He was worthy. He always was worthy, but I couldn't see it through the pain and despair. All I knew was that I couldn't perceive Him and He must not care. He does care!!! He Loved me before I was raped and He loved me after I was raped and He loved me when I ran away and now He is Loving me as I heal.
You know how when you have a physical injury. It hurts and then it goes numb so you can cope until you can get help. Then it hurts again when the shock chemicals ware off so that you know what needs to be done and then it hurts to clean it out and stitch it up. Then it starts itching when it begins to heal and finally it heals completely. Well, I am at the itchy/burning stage. Sometimes it still hurts, but mostly it itches to let me know I am healing.
Some of you may be asking why I am sharing all this with everyone. I don't think I even know if I have a good explanation for that. I just feel compelled to share my story. I just want others to know there is hope. I just want others to know that Jesus is HOPE! Jesus is LOVE! Jesus is SALVATION, not just from hell, but from a life of purposelessness and bondage to sin.
Everything I blog about is because of that belief. Everything I get on my soapbox about is because of my passion for Truth. Jesus is THE TRUTH!
I don't have it all figured out. I don't live in perfect peace and bliss like I've arrived. That's why I blog about my struggle with anxiety and my questions for God. When I come to a new understanding I post a blog that may sound like I have it figured out, but I may learn tomorrow that I have it all wrong. Until then I am confident of my new revelation of Truth.
I am happy when people challenge the ideas that I post. I may get hurt a little if I am accused of being self righteous or whatever else, but I welcome it because I don't know how else to hold this one way conversation without feedback, be it positive or negative.
I don't know how to be anymore real than this. If I were truly self righteous I would think I would be trying to portray myself in a more glorious light. I would want people to think I was good and free of struggle and sin. I'm not! I am just free now to be human and live abundantly in Christ.
Am I making any sense at all? Or am I just going on and on about nothing?
I find it relieving just to get the thoughts out in written words. Even if this doesn't benefit anyone else. I have benefited by having shared my thoughts with anyone interested in reading them.
Thank you for reading and maybe even commenting.
Jesus bless you always!
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
A Time To Reject Acceptance
I woke up at 3:45 this morning because I had a dream about someone and felt the need to pray for them. Knowing I couldn't get back to sleep right away I got online and checked my email. I posted on Facebook about how I got a massage to relieve some anxiety and how I think I should create an arsenal of anti-anxiety activities to help reduce my need for medication eventually. I thought my post was pretty straight forward and honest, but full of hope for a better future based on healthy choices.
The comments I received caught me off guard and I had a rather intense internal reaction. The comments were, I think, supposed to be encouraging, but I got very defensive. They said I needed to practice acceptance as found in the Serenity Prayer and give myself time to learn how to accept my struggle.
At first I was confused. For one, how did my post get confused with my not accepting my struggle. If I didn't accept it I would be trying to hide and avoid it. I am doing neither of those. I am very open about my struggle with anxiety and I am open to being prayed for and even convicted by God on the subject. After all, we are told to be anxious about nothing, but by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make our requests known to God and the peace that surpasses all understanding will guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus" (Phil 4:6). Where is the acceptance of anxiety in that scripture?
I felt very defensive and I asked God why I was so upset over what my loved one said. He reminded me of something my sister has been sharing with me. We are complete and whole in Christ, we don't have to accept anything that is less than His best for us. What does this mean?
If I am suffering because of my own sin, or the sin someone else inflicted on me, am I to accept that this suffering is from God with resignation? I think NOT!!!
Suffering, I do not believe, is from God. Suffering is a product of the fall. It is a symptom of this world and the affects of sin. God does not make us suffer. Jesus came to free us from our sin and the affects of sin.
What about all the verses about taking up our cross and suffering with Christ? (Luke 9:23) YES! What about that?
Jesus Christ promised us we would have trouble in this life and that we would most definitely suffer. (John 16:33) He even expects us to suffer with Him(Romans 8:17) in order that we may die to ourselves and come to understand life in Him.(1 Peter 4:1-2) He asks us to rejoice in our sufferng and not lose sight of our faith because it is suffering that produces perseverance which produces character and character brings hope that will not disappoint us because it is based on Jesus Christ.(Romans 5:3-5) But, where in the Bible does it say that God is inflicting us with suffering. From my study of scripture, and I am no scholar, I find that Jesus is in the business of freeing us from our sin and the affects of sin. He has done EVERYTHING to provide for us to live abundantly.(John 3:16, 1Peter 1:3)
STAY WITH ME HERE. I KNOW THIS SOUNDS CONTRADICTORY, BUT I THINK IT WILL BECOME CLEARER AS I CONTINUE.
If you choose to believe that God is the one causing your suffering, who are you going to run to for comfort? I agree that God, in His infinite wisdom and omniscience, allows suffering and even works through suffering to mold us into His image, but I do NOT believe He orchestrates the horrors this life throws at us. The world, our flesh and the devil are good enough at that. "It is for freedom that Christ came to set us free". (Galations 5:1)
I do not accept my anxiety in the sense that I can never be free of it and therefore must learn to live with it. My suffering is temporary. It is there to do His work in me and when the work is complete the need for the suffering will be gone.
What about those who suffer their whole lives with incurable diseases and conditions?
I don't have all the answers, but I believe many people are not healed because they don't even ask. (James 4:2) For those who do ask and believe in faith, but don't receive healing I know that God has a greater purpose in their suffering than we humans can see. Joni Earickson Tada comes to mind. She is a faith filled Christian who happens to be a quadriplegic. She has prayed many times to be healed and yet remains paralyzed. You may say she has accepted her condition in the sense that she knows she cannot control it or change it, but IS it God's will for her to be paralyzed. I don't believe that. I believe God desires that Joni be free to run an dance like me. It is because our spirits are confined to human tents in a world that is temporarily ruled by the prince of the power of the air-the enemy of our soul- that we suffer.(Ephesians 2:2 KJV) What is so great is that Jesus has overcome the world. (John 16:33) He can use Joni's condition and suffering to reach others with His love. Joni suffers to be made whole in Christ through submission, but she suffers also to be used by God to draw others to Christ. She accepts that.
What I am suggesting is that we do not accept blindly what God has every desire, power and authority to set us free from. I am certain that God desires me to not be anxious and that He has the power and authority to set me free from it as I abide in Him and allow His Love to cast out my fear.(1 John4:18) That is a process. Maybe even a lifelong one, I don't know.
Suffering is not God's desire for us, but sometimes it happens because we live on earth and not in glory with Him yet. He can take it away in a split second. He can move our mountain with our grain of mustard seed faith at anytime. (Matthew 17:20) When He doesn't it is perfectly natural to be disturbed by what we are experiencing. God grieves over our suffering as much as we do, even more, because He knows how it was supposed to be before sin entered the world.(John 11:35)
When I say to reject the acceptance of suffering I am saying that resigning to it feels like the wrong attitude. "Oh this is just God's will for me and I have to accept that I will never be free of this in this life." What a slap in the face to the God who rejected His own Son and watched Him tortured and killed to offer us freedom, healing and wholeness. (Romans 5:10, 1 Peter 2:24)
Then why isn't every Christian free of suffering? Why does God tell us that it is good to suffer with Him? "For we know that in all things God works for the good of those who Love Him and are called according to His purpose."(Romans 8:28)
I searched the concordance and even though my search was not completed I got the impression that there is no scripture to back up the acceptance of suffering. There is plenty of scripture to back up the endurance and perseverance and trusting of God within suffering. What is the difference? Attitude and motivation. Acceptance can be freeing if it compels us to trust Jesus more, but if it just causes us to become complacent, bitter, angry and distant from the God, who wants to bless us through it, than acceptance is a pit.
So, if acceptance makes you trust Jesus more in your suffering than by all means please accept it, but if it is being used as an excuse to not apply faith and take hold of the Hand that can lead you out into the promised land (1 John 2:25) than I suggest rejecting acceptance. Eternal life starts in this life.
I do not accept my suffering with anxiety, but I rest in Jesus as He walks me through this valley to the other side where I'll never fear again- be it in this life or the next. (Psalm 23)
Perhaps this all comes down to semantics in the end. I often struggle with others choice of words and my interpretation of it. If this is the case, I apologize for any confusion.
Jesus bless You with the joy of His Presence in suffering and in peaceful time.
The comments I received caught me off guard and I had a rather intense internal reaction. The comments were, I think, supposed to be encouraging, but I got very defensive. They said I needed to practice acceptance as found in the Serenity Prayer and give myself time to learn how to accept my struggle.
At first I was confused. For one, how did my post get confused with my not accepting my struggle. If I didn't accept it I would be trying to hide and avoid it. I am doing neither of those. I am very open about my struggle with anxiety and I am open to being prayed for and even convicted by God on the subject. After all, we are told to be anxious about nothing, but by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make our requests known to God and the peace that surpasses all understanding will guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus" (Phil 4:6). Where is the acceptance of anxiety in that scripture?
I felt very defensive and I asked God why I was so upset over what my loved one said. He reminded me of something my sister has been sharing with me. We are complete and whole in Christ, we don't have to accept anything that is less than His best for us. What does this mean?
If I am suffering because of my own sin, or the sin someone else inflicted on me, am I to accept that this suffering is from God with resignation? I think NOT!!!
Suffering, I do not believe, is from God. Suffering is a product of the fall. It is a symptom of this world and the affects of sin. God does not make us suffer. Jesus came to free us from our sin and the affects of sin.
What about all the verses about taking up our cross and suffering with Christ? (Luke 9:23) YES! What about that?
Jesus Christ promised us we would have trouble in this life and that we would most definitely suffer. (John 16:33) He even expects us to suffer with Him(Romans 8:17) in order that we may die to ourselves and come to understand life in Him.(1 Peter 4:1-2) He asks us to rejoice in our sufferng and not lose sight of our faith because it is suffering that produces perseverance which produces character and character brings hope that will not disappoint us because it is based on Jesus Christ.(Romans 5:3-5) But, where in the Bible does it say that God is inflicting us with suffering. From my study of scripture, and I am no scholar, I find that Jesus is in the business of freeing us from our sin and the affects of sin. He has done EVERYTHING to provide for us to live abundantly.(John 3:16, 1Peter 1:3)
STAY WITH ME HERE. I KNOW THIS SOUNDS CONTRADICTORY, BUT I THINK IT WILL BECOME CLEARER AS I CONTINUE.
If you choose to believe that God is the one causing your suffering, who are you going to run to for comfort? I agree that God, in His infinite wisdom and omniscience, allows suffering and even works through suffering to mold us into His image, but I do NOT believe He orchestrates the horrors this life throws at us. The world, our flesh and the devil are good enough at that. "It is for freedom that Christ came to set us free". (Galations 5:1)
I do not accept my anxiety in the sense that I can never be free of it and therefore must learn to live with it. My suffering is temporary. It is there to do His work in me and when the work is complete the need for the suffering will be gone.
What about those who suffer their whole lives with incurable diseases and conditions?
I don't have all the answers, but I believe many people are not healed because they don't even ask. (James 4:2) For those who do ask and believe in faith, but don't receive healing I know that God has a greater purpose in their suffering than we humans can see. Joni Earickson Tada comes to mind. She is a faith filled Christian who happens to be a quadriplegic. She has prayed many times to be healed and yet remains paralyzed. You may say she has accepted her condition in the sense that she knows she cannot control it or change it, but IS it God's will for her to be paralyzed. I don't believe that. I believe God desires that Joni be free to run an dance like me. It is because our spirits are confined to human tents in a world that is temporarily ruled by the prince of the power of the air-the enemy of our soul- that we suffer.(Ephesians 2:2 KJV) What is so great is that Jesus has overcome the world. (John 16:33) He can use Joni's condition and suffering to reach others with His love. Joni suffers to be made whole in Christ through submission, but she suffers also to be used by God to draw others to Christ. She accepts that.
What I am suggesting is that we do not accept blindly what God has every desire, power and authority to set us free from. I am certain that God desires me to not be anxious and that He has the power and authority to set me free from it as I abide in Him and allow His Love to cast out my fear.(1 John4:18) That is a process. Maybe even a lifelong one, I don't know.
Suffering is not God's desire for us, but sometimes it happens because we live on earth and not in glory with Him yet. He can take it away in a split second. He can move our mountain with our grain of mustard seed faith at anytime. (Matthew 17:20) When He doesn't it is perfectly natural to be disturbed by what we are experiencing. God grieves over our suffering as much as we do, even more, because He knows how it was supposed to be before sin entered the world.(John 11:35)
When I say to reject the acceptance of suffering I am saying that resigning to it feels like the wrong attitude. "Oh this is just God's will for me and I have to accept that I will never be free of this in this life." What a slap in the face to the God who rejected His own Son and watched Him tortured and killed to offer us freedom, healing and wholeness. (Romans 5:10, 1 Peter 2:24)
Then why isn't every Christian free of suffering? Why does God tell us that it is good to suffer with Him? "For we know that in all things God works for the good of those who Love Him and are called according to His purpose."(Romans 8:28)
I searched the concordance and even though my search was not completed I got the impression that there is no scripture to back up the acceptance of suffering. There is plenty of scripture to back up the endurance and perseverance and trusting of God within suffering. What is the difference? Attitude and motivation. Acceptance can be freeing if it compels us to trust Jesus more, but if it just causes us to become complacent, bitter, angry and distant from the God, who wants to bless us through it, than acceptance is a pit.
So, if acceptance makes you trust Jesus more in your suffering than by all means please accept it, but if it is being used as an excuse to not apply faith and take hold of the Hand that can lead you out into the promised land (1 John 2:25) than I suggest rejecting acceptance. Eternal life starts in this life.
I do not accept my suffering with anxiety, but I rest in Jesus as He walks me through this valley to the other side where I'll never fear again- be it in this life or the next. (Psalm 23)
Perhaps this all comes down to semantics in the end. I often struggle with others choice of words and my interpretation of it. If this is the case, I apologize for any confusion.
Jesus bless You with the joy of His Presence in suffering and in peaceful time.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Jesus Was Chinese Today
Today Jesus gave me a massage as a young Chinese man at the Oceans Relaxation Station. Yesterday He was a young married worship leader at my church who patiently showed me how to accomplish something I wanted to do in order to feel useful that day. He was that same worship leader two Tuesdays prior when He talked me through an anxiety attack and rebuked a lie i'd been believing my whole life that I am a burden to people because of my weaknesses. After my massage today Jesus was my mother who made grits and scrambled eggs. Jesus emailed me as my sister this morning and told me how strong in faith I've become.
Sometimes Jesus speaks to my heart and He doesn't need someone else to get through to me, but I'm finding more and more that He speaks to me, loves me, encourages me and brings healing to me through other people.
I used to think He could only minister to me through those that believe in Him, but now I know that He can use anyone and anything to affect my life and bless me. What makes this possible is that I commit everything to Him in prayer and i seek Him above all else. He said if I'd do that "all these things shall be added unto me". That means when I seek Him and abide in His Love He directs me in every aspect of my life.
I needed help to relax today and i prayed that Jesus would help me find someone to give me a massage. I asked for protection from anything that isn't of Him coming through the person I was trusting to minister to me through massage therapy. Jesus answered my prayer abundantly. The massage was just what I needed and even though it came through someone whom I am pretty sure doesn't believe in Jesus, I was still blessed by Jesus because I trusted Him to use someone beyond himself. That Chinese man hadn't a clue who he was working for today. I'm not talking about me. He worked for Jesus and didn't even know it.
So, even though I wanted to thank the Chinese man for his service, Who I really want to praise and worship was, and is, Jesus Christ my healer and God my provider. With this kind of perspective I feel I'll never run out of inspiration for worship and songwriting.
Jesus is reaching out to you through all kinds of people and situations, too. He is calling your name and wanting to speak comfort and Truth to you every minute of the day. He sheds tears over your suffering, through the rain. He shows you how much He delights in you by allowing the sun to shine again. He reflects your beauty morning and evening as He paints a masterpiece across the sky to wake you up and rock you to sleep. He is there speaking his love to you through your husbands embrace, or your wife's kiss. He is revealing his mercy through your strong willed child who you think might break your heart one day. He is even embracing you with His love when you cry yourself to sleep with loneliness after your last failed relationship by giving you the pillow on which to weep.
Yes, not all these poetic words are direct correlations. Just because it rains doesn't mean Jesus is crying and just because the sun is shining doesn't mean He is pleased with you. "Without Faith it is impossible to please God." But, when you are His child you can know without a doubt that He is in, and working through, every person and situation in your life no matter how positive or negative it may appear. This is His promise to His children. He does this for those who don't trust Him yet, but the promise belongs to those who do.
I haven't always had this perspective, but true to who He is God answered my cry for help and changed my point of view. I have so much more peace knowing I can trust Him with it all-the good, the bad and the ugly.
Do you trust anyone in your life that much?
Sometimes Jesus speaks to my heart and He doesn't need someone else to get through to me, but I'm finding more and more that He speaks to me, loves me, encourages me and brings healing to me through other people.
I used to think He could only minister to me through those that believe in Him, but now I know that He can use anyone and anything to affect my life and bless me. What makes this possible is that I commit everything to Him in prayer and i seek Him above all else. He said if I'd do that "all these things shall be added unto me". That means when I seek Him and abide in His Love He directs me in every aspect of my life.
I needed help to relax today and i prayed that Jesus would help me find someone to give me a massage. I asked for protection from anything that isn't of Him coming through the person I was trusting to minister to me through massage therapy. Jesus answered my prayer abundantly. The massage was just what I needed and even though it came through someone whom I am pretty sure doesn't believe in Jesus, I was still blessed by Jesus because I trusted Him to use someone beyond himself. That Chinese man hadn't a clue who he was working for today. I'm not talking about me. He worked for Jesus and didn't even know it.
So, even though I wanted to thank the Chinese man for his service, Who I really want to praise and worship was, and is, Jesus Christ my healer and God my provider. With this kind of perspective I feel I'll never run out of inspiration for worship and songwriting.
Jesus is reaching out to you through all kinds of people and situations, too. He is calling your name and wanting to speak comfort and Truth to you every minute of the day. He sheds tears over your suffering, through the rain. He shows you how much He delights in you by allowing the sun to shine again. He reflects your beauty morning and evening as He paints a masterpiece across the sky to wake you up and rock you to sleep. He is there speaking his love to you through your husbands embrace, or your wife's kiss. He is revealing his mercy through your strong willed child who you think might break your heart one day. He is even embracing you with His love when you cry yourself to sleep with loneliness after your last failed relationship by giving you the pillow on which to weep.
Yes, not all these poetic words are direct correlations. Just because it rains doesn't mean Jesus is crying and just because the sun is shining doesn't mean He is pleased with you. "Without Faith it is impossible to please God." But, when you are His child you can know without a doubt that He is in, and working through, every person and situation in your life no matter how positive or negative it may appear. This is His promise to His children. He does this for those who don't trust Him yet, but the promise belongs to those who do.
I haven't always had this perspective, but true to who He is God answered my cry for help and changed my point of view. I have so much more peace knowing I can trust Him with it all-the good, the bad and the ugly.
Do you trust anyone in your life that much?
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Joy In The Most Unlikely Circumstances
The first song I ever wrote was called "Joy Will Come Again" back in 1999, I believe. It was a faith song because when I wrote it I had absolutely no joy in my life. It was all about how someday I would find that joy in Jesus.
It took 11 years, but I have found the joy of the Lord that I believed would come. The song should have been titled "Joy Will Come" because how could I have it again when I really never had it to begin with. I don't think I ever knew what joy was until this last year.
I may have had moments of happiness and definitely moments of escape from suffering, but joy is something else entirely. Joy isn't just the grin I'd get on my face after getting drunk enough to not feel depressed for a couple of hours. Joy isn't the euphoria I felt when I experimented with the illegal drug known as Ecstasy. Joy isn't the feelings of being in love with someone because they like me enough to use me. Joy is so much deeper, so much more permanent and so much more fulfilling. Joy for me is my relationship with Jesus.
The Bible says that the joy of the Lord is our strength. Joy can give us strength! Strength to face hard, painful, unpleasant and good things. Strength to obey God and strength to trust Him and put our hope in Him, which He promises will not disappoint us.
In many countries joy is manifest in ways we Americans cannot even begin to fathom. A group of starving Africans dying of AIDS meet together to worship Jesus and they are singing and dancing and rejoicing. What is that? That is the joy of the Lord!
Who said that the joy of the Lord has to be a pervasive feeling of happiness and a lack of suffering? Not I. I find my most joyous moments come from a very deep and almost indescribable place inside me during the most unlikely circumstances.
I recently found myself in the ER at Saint Agnes hospital because I was suffering from extreme anxiety that was escalating into full blown panic attacks. It wasn't a new feeling, but it wasn't something I will ever get used to. I felt like I was in mortal danger and my fight or flight mechanism was fully activated, but I had to sit in a waiting room and act normal until someone could do something medically to help me. Was I feeling joy? No!!! I was very afraid! Did I have joy? Yes!!! I did!!!
In those moments in the ER some truths became very real to me. I whispered to my mom through some tears, "He endured the cross, for me, for the joy that was set before Him." I was speaking of Jesus. I realized that in my moment of extreme terrible fear I was not alone and He was feeling it with me. He was able to be with me, no matter how far away I felt He was, because He allowed future joy to give Him strength to endure a horrific, tortured death brought to a climax by the abandonment of His own Father. That revelation to my soul gave me joy in the midst of my intolerable fear.
Joy lives in the Spirit, I believe. Sometimes it overflows into the soul and we can feel it and enjoy it, but sometimes it is just a Truth that we hang onto like a life raft. Jesus is our joy and strength. Jesus is who makes all our suffering worthwhile. It is a privilege to share in His suffering. It is also a requirement in order for us to die to our fleshly desires and live for His. That is what I really want anyhow, but the process...the experience is not always pleasant, comfortable or easy. It is always worth it, though.
I wrote another song about 6 years later called "Nothing Compares". In it I describe how nothing we could face in this life, however horrible or wonderful, could compare to what is in store for us, who trust Jesus, in heaven. One line I added later was, " I find joy when the only thing that comforts me is to seek brokenness at Your feet." I began to find my joy while I was being disciplined by my Heavenly Father and I would fall before Him in utter repentance and humility and confession. I never felt comforted before that and that opened a door into a realm of joy I never knew existed. Yes, brokenness, the kind that creates relationship with my Creator and Savior and friend produces joy in me that no one can take away and nothing can compare to. It is eternal, unshakable and more fulfilling than any drug, drink or diversion from reality.
So, when I say I have the joy of the Lord and that it gives me strength I am in no way saying that I do not have days of grief, fear, disappointment, anger, sadness, exhaustion or even discouragement. What I am saying is that the joy of the Lord is an absolute truth, a piece of the fruit of the Holy Spirit in me that is always there for me to feast on. And so I do,and I am nourished and sustained to face another day no matter what challenge this life wants to throw at me.
Thank You, Jesus, for enduring the cross for the joy set before You that You now offer to me freely. I love You, Friend! I trust You, Father. I surrender to You, my King.
It took 11 years, but I have found the joy of the Lord that I believed would come. The song should have been titled "Joy Will Come" because how could I have it again when I really never had it to begin with. I don't think I ever knew what joy was until this last year.
I may have had moments of happiness and definitely moments of escape from suffering, but joy is something else entirely. Joy isn't just the grin I'd get on my face after getting drunk enough to not feel depressed for a couple of hours. Joy isn't the euphoria I felt when I experimented with the illegal drug known as Ecstasy. Joy isn't the feelings of being in love with someone because they like me enough to use me. Joy is so much deeper, so much more permanent and so much more fulfilling. Joy for me is my relationship with Jesus.
The Bible says that the joy of the Lord is our strength. Joy can give us strength! Strength to face hard, painful, unpleasant and good things. Strength to obey God and strength to trust Him and put our hope in Him, which He promises will not disappoint us.
In many countries joy is manifest in ways we Americans cannot even begin to fathom. A group of starving Africans dying of AIDS meet together to worship Jesus and they are singing and dancing and rejoicing. What is that? That is the joy of the Lord!
Who said that the joy of the Lord has to be a pervasive feeling of happiness and a lack of suffering? Not I. I find my most joyous moments come from a very deep and almost indescribable place inside me during the most unlikely circumstances.
I recently found myself in the ER at Saint Agnes hospital because I was suffering from extreme anxiety that was escalating into full blown panic attacks. It wasn't a new feeling, but it wasn't something I will ever get used to. I felt like I was in mortal danger and my fight or flight mechanism was fully activated, but I had to sit in a waiting room and act normal until someone could do something medically to help me. Was I feeling joy? No!!! I was very afraid! Did I have joy? Yes!!! I did!!!
In those moments in the ER some truths became very real to me. I whispered to my mom through some tears, "He endured the cross, for me, for the joy that was set before Him." I was speaking of Jesus. I realized that in my moment of extreme terrible fear I was not alone and He was feeling it with me. He was able to be with me, no matter how far away I felt He was, because He allowed future joy to give Him strength to endure a horrific, tortured death brought to a climax by the abandonment of His own Father. That revelation to my soul gave me joy in the midst of my intolerable fear.
Joy lives in the Spirit, I believe. Sometimes it overflows into the soul and we can feel it and enjoy it, but sometimes it is just a Truth that we hang onto like a life raft. Jesus is our joy and strength. Jesus is who makes all our suffering worthwhile. It is a privilege to share in His suffering. It is also a requirement in order for us to die to our fleshly desires and live for His. That is what I really want anyhow, but the process...the experience is not always pleasant, comfortable or easy. It is always worth it, though.
I wrote another song about 6 years later called "Nothing Compares". In it I describe how nothing we could face in this life, however horrible or wonderful, could compare to what is in store for us, who trust Jesus, in heaven. One line I added later was, " I find joy when the only thing that comforts me is to seek brokenness at Your feet." I began to find my joy while I was being disciplined by my Heavenly Father and I would fall before Him in utter repentance and humility and confession. I never felt comforted before that and that opened a door into a realm of joy I never knew existed. Yes, brokenness, the kind that creates relationship with my Creator and Savior and friend produces joy in me that no one can take away and nothing can compare to. It is eternal, unshakable and more fulfilling than any drug, drink or diversion from reality.
So, when I say I have the joy of the Lord and that it gives me strength I am in no way saying that I do not have days of grief, fear, disappointment, anger, sadness, exhaustion or even discouragement. What I am saying is that the joy of the Lord is an absolute truth, a piece of the fruit of the Holy Spirit in me that is always there for me to feast on. And so I do,and I am nourished and sustained to face another day no matter what challenge this life wants to throw at me.
Thank You, Jesus, for enduring the cross for the joy set before You that You now offer to me freely. I love You, Friend! I trust You, Father. I surrender to You, my King.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
I'm Angry
I feel angry right now. I really feel...angry! There's something else there, too. I usually don't feel like crying when I'm angry, so there must be some grief mixed in. Grief didn't used to make me cry because I never allowed myself to feel it, but now I do and I cry so much more. It's wonderful to be able to let the poison out when the poison bubbles up.
Yesterday I realized that my incessant anxiety is in part fueled by the feeling that I am a burden and no one can handle me. I'm too intense, too sensitive and too high maintenance to be likable or even lovable. A very healthy interaction with someone significant to me began to kill that lie and I was so glad to watch it wither and get sickly and I'm going to enjoy it's funeral very soon.
So, what does that have to do with my current anger. While I was processing through an extremely difficult episode of anxiety I heard myself explaining what it was like for me. Anxiety is a thief, a perpetrator that victimizes me over and over again and robs me of my joy and peace. It robs me of my most cherished abilities: singing, speaking my heart to numbers of people and telling my testimony of what Jesus is doing in my life.
I was supposed to share a small testimony with the congregation on Sunday morning during worship and I wasn't able to because I was so overcome with physical symptoms of anxiety. I couldn't breath, I couldn't stop shaking and I couldn't assure myself that they wouldn't be distracted by me instead of hearing what God wanted to say to them through me. I couldn't have been more like Moses at that point than if I'd had a beard. I refused to speak and my heart broke because I knew anxiety had won another battle. I didn't fail, but anxiety did win.
Stay with me here, I have a point and it does regard you.
If you've never felt what I feel when I become so afraid that I start to doubt reality, than you cannot fully understand the magnitude of why I am angry. That is alright. I don't expect people to understand me completely. They are them and I am me. I don't understand everything you feel, either. I'm glad because if I did I would be very overwhelmed.
You are a musician. I am a musician, or at least I am trying to be. When I began having the opportunity to sing with you I was given a gift I thought I'd never have in my whole life. If feel this way about the others in the worship band, too, but right now I'm talking about you. I look forward to seeing you at Saturday practice. I look forward to getting to know you a little better and maybe even encouraging you. I really look forward to singing with you. It feels a little like heaven to me and Lord knows I've felt enough of hell that I really could use a little more heaven in my life.
I'm angry because I feel (I know this is my feelings only and not necessarily reality) you are staying away for some reason I don't know about and you are depriving me, the band and the church of a gift that we need. I can't speak for anyone else really, so I'll just speak for myself.
Please do not interpret anything I am saying as anything but my feelings as your friend. I am not interested in you in any way other than as my brother in Christ and my friend. I cannot emphasize that enough. I am very open about my feelings and sometimes people misread what I'm saying.
I miss you. I really miss seeing you and singing with you. I didn't even really like you when I first met you because you seemed confrontational and arrogant to me. I appreciated you, but I thought there was no way I could ever be friends with you in a way that would benefit me or you. I thought that God was going to have to teach me to love you, as my brother in Christ.
I was so wrong. God told me to pray for you and I did. Then I started reading your blog. How anyone could read your blog and not praise God for creating such a beautiful mind and heart I cannot fathom. You love God, you love your wife and you love Truth. That is evident. You are gifted and educated and you have so much to offer.
Why won't you sing?!!!
I struggle every weekend to muster up the courage to sing on stage because I love it and I love Jesus and I want to show people what worship can be like, but I really suffer. No one but God knows how much it takes to get me on stage some days. I wouldn't trade it, but I get tired and I desire to be free of it.
I look at you and I know you don't get nervous when you sing, in general. Your abilities vocally are superior to mine and people worship God when you sing. Why won't you do it? What makes you not want to share that gift? What is it about the attention your voice brings you that would make you shut up your gift? I want to understand, but I don't and that makes me angry. Maybe I'm jealous, but that doesn't seem to explain it all. If I were jealous I'd be jealous of your voice and the fact that you don't have to suffer with anxiety. Maybe I do have that subconsciously, but I'm not sure that's really it. I'm angry because I feel you are holding out on our church. They need you whether they know it or not. I need you to be real with me and you're not, yet. I need you to sing with me and you won't. Maybe I feel rejected. That doesn't seem to fit either.
I just want you to know that whatever I feel...anger, jealousy, rejection. It isn't something I am projecting on to you and blaming you for. It is all inside of me. However, what I feel is being triggered by your decision to be absent from worship practice and ministry.
I don't know what you are going through. I don't know anything. Perhaps that's how it should be. It's really none of my business, I guess. I just need you to know that it affects me whether I know about it or not. I pray for you and your wife all the time because I care deeply about you both.
I feel helpless though and I think that makes me angry, too.
I feel I have accomplished nothing by writing this out and that is unusual. I actually feel like I should erase this whole thing and just not care so much. It'd be a lie, but it would be safer than the possibility of you getting the idea that I care about you more than just as my friend and brother.
I'm unusual, I know. So are you, says everyone I know who knows you. So, here goes nothing. Hope this helps you understand why I'm angry and that maybe you'll give me some kind of explanation to help me out.
Yesterday I realized that my incessant anxiety is in part fueled by the feeling that I am a burden and no one can handle me. I'm too intense, too sensitive and too high maintenance to be likable or even lovable. A very healthy interaction with someone significant to me began to kill that lie and I was so glad to watch it wither and get sickly and I'm going to enjoy it's funeral very soon.
So, what does that have to do with my current anger. While I was processing through an extremely difficult episode of anxiety I heard myself explaining what it was like for me. Anxiety is a thief, a perpetrator that victimizes me over and over again and robs me of my joy and peace. It robs me of my most cherished abilities: singing, speaking my heart to numbers of people and telling my testimony of what Jesus is doing in my life.
I was supposed to share a small testimony with the congregation on Sunday morning during worship and I wasn't able to because I was so overcome with physical symptoms of anxiety. I couldn't breath, I couldn't stop shaking and I couldn't assure myself that they wouldn't be distracted by me instead of hearing what God wanted to say to them through me. I couldn't have been more like Moses at that point than if I'd had a beard. I refused to speak and my heart broke because I knew anxiety had won another battle. I didn't fail, but anxiety did win.
Stay with me here, I have a point and it does regard you.
If you've never felt what I feel when I become so afraid that I start to doubt reality, than you cannot fully understand the magnitude of why I am angry. That is alright. I don't expect people to understand me completely. They are them and I am me. I don't understand everything you feel, either. I'm glad because if I did I would be very overwhelmed.
You are a musician. I am a musician, or at least I am trying to be. When I began having the opportunity to sing with you I was given a gift I thought I'd never have in my whole life. If feel this way about the others in the worship band, too, but right now I'm talking about you. I look forward to seeing you at Saturday practice. I look forward to getting to know you a little better and maybe even encouraging you. I really look forward to singing with you. It feels a little like heaven to me and Lord knows I've felt enough of hell that I really could use a little more heaven in my life.
I'm angry because I feel (I know this is my feelings only and not necessarily reality) you are staying away for some reason I don't know about and you are depriving me, the band and the church of a gift that we need. I can't speak for anyone else really, so I'll just speak for myself.
Please do not interpret anything I am saying as anything but my feelings as your friend. I am not interested in you in any way other than as my brother in Christ and my friend. I cannot emphasize that enough. I am very open about my feelings and sometimes people misread what I'm saying.
I miss you. I really miss seeing you and singing with you. I didn't even really like you when I first met you because you seemed confrontational and arrogant to me. I appreciated you, but I thought there was no way I could ever be friends with you in a way that would benefit me or you. I thought that God was going to have to teach me to love you, as my brother in Christ.
I was so wrong. God told me to pray for you and I did. Then I started reading your blog. How anyone could read your blog and not praise God for creating such a beautiful mind and heart I cannot fathom. You love God, you love your wife and you love Truth. That is evident. You are gifted and educated and you have so much to offer.
Why won't you sing?!!!
I struggle every weekend to muster up the courage to sing on stage because I love it and I love Jesus and I want to show people what worship can be like, but I really suffer. No one but God knows how much it takes to get me on stage some days. I wouldn't trade it, but I get tired and I desire to be free of it.
I look at you and I know you don't get nervous when you sing, in general. Your abilities vocally are superior to mine and people worship God when you sing. Why won't you do it? What makes you not want to share that gift? What is it about the attention your voice brings you that would make you shut up your gift? I want to understand, but I don't and that makes me angry. Maybe I'm jealous, but that doesn't seem to explain it all. If I were jealous I'd be jealous of your voice and the fact that you don't have to suffer with anxiety. Maybe I do have that subconsciously, but I'm not sure that's really it. I'm angry because I feel you are holding out on our church. They need you whether they know it or not. I need you to be real with me and you're not, yet. I need you to sing with me and you won't. Maybe I feel rejected. That doesn't seem to fit either.
I just want you to know that whatever I feel...anger, jealousy, rejection. It isn't something I am projecting on to you and blaming you for. It is all inside of me. However, what I feel is being triggered by your decision to be absent from worship practice and ministry.
I don't know what you are going through. I don't know anything. Perhaps that's how it should be. It's really none of my business, I guess. I just need you to know that it affects me whether I know about it or not. I pray for you and your wife all the time because I care deeply about you both.
I feel helpless though and I think that makes me angry, too.
I feel I have accomplished nothing by writing this out and that is unusual. I actually feel like I should erase this whole thing and just not care so much. It'd be a lie, but it would be safer than the possibility of you getting the idea that I care about you more than just as my friend and brother.
I'm unusual, I know. So are you, says everyone I know who knows you. So, here goes nothing. Hope this helps you understand why I'm angry and that maybe you'll give me some kind of explanation to help me out.
Anxiety
I have no real set idea about how address this issue in my blog, but I'm just going to offer my stream of consciousness on the matter and hope something comprehensive comes forth.
I have struggled with anxiety since I was an infant. I didn't even know it was called anxiety until I was 20 years old. I always referred to it as shy or nervous or scared. I thought at one point that it was depression because I grew up with a very thorough knowledge of what depression was. I just assumed I was depressed because I was unhappy and angry at how bad I felt all the time.
Anxiety and depression often go hand in hand. I think I did develop clinical depression after so many years of constant anxiety, but I don't believe my depression was as problematic as the anxiety. Depression was a byproduct of feeling hopeless about the anxiety I couldn't seem to control. Depression is more complicated than anyone really understands and one clinical explanation of it does not nearly cover all the symptoms that can be manifested during an episode of this kind of condition. Anxiety is also more complicated than we can understand.
Anxiety is an experience of the whole person. Those who segment it into just a spiritual issue or just a chemical imbalance or even just a mental disorder are doing a grave injustice in their endeavors to alleviate it. It takes an understanding of the many aspects of the human experience to gain a more broad and fuller view of the possibilities for any one condition of anxiety. I find this to be true of my own experience with debilitating anxiety. I feel very cheated when people want to label me mentally ill or crazy or even chemically imbalanced because of my symptoms, especially when they don't know why I am feeling the way I do.
If a child is raped when they are 5 years old and the experience frightens them. Does that mean that when they are diagnosed with PTSD that they are crazy? No! They were the victim. The perpetrator has sinned against that child and now that child is dealing with the consequences of the perpetrators sin whether it is fair or not. A door was slammed open in that child's heart and a stronghold of fear was created. It would be mournfully re-injuring to then tell this fragile victim that they are crazy for feeling the way they do.
There are grown up childhood abuse victims walking around all over the place. Some are suffering very deeply with things like depression, anxiety, suicidal ideations and destructive lifestyles to manage the suffering. Childhood rape is an extreme example, but one that most people would identify as heinous and destructive to the victim, but there are many more experiences of children that are abusive that may not get the attention of others. Neglect, unhealthy family environments...and the list goes on. These all are reasons for a child to develop anxiety and carry it into adulthood.
I am not a Psychologist, but I have talked to enough of them and I have a sister who is one, and I have experienced what the books teach, first hand. I've lived it and I have a definite passion to help those who are suffering with it. First I have to find my way out, or my life within it and then I'll be happy to share what I know with anyone interested in what I have learned.
Thanks for listening/reading. Jesus bless you! PFY.
I have struggled with anxiety since I was an infant. I didn't even know it was called anxiety until I was 20 years old. I always referred to it as shy or nervous or scared. I thought at one point that it was depression because I grew up with a very thorough knowledge of what depression was. I just assumed I was depressed because I was unhappy and angry at how bad I felt all the time.
Anxiety and depression often go hand in hand. I think I did develop clinical depression after so many years of constant anxiety, but I don't believe my depression was as problematic as the anxiety. Depression was a byproduct of feeling hopeless about the anxiety I couldn't seem to control. Depression is more complicated than anyone really understands and one clinical explanation of it does not nearly cover all the symptoms that can be manifested during an episode of this kind of condition. Anxiety is also more complicated than we can understand.
Anxiety is an experience of the whole person. Those who segment it into just a spiritual issue or just a chemical imbalance or even just a mental disorder are doing a grave injustice in their endeavors to alleviate it. It takes an understanding of the many aspects of the human experience to gain a more broad and fuller view of the possibilities for any one condition of anxiety. I find this to be true of my own experience with debilitating anxiety. I feel very cheated when people want to label me mentally ill or crazy or even chemically imbalanced because of my symptoms, especially when they don't know why I am feeling the way I do.
If a child is raped when they are 5 years old and the experience frightens them. Does that mean that when they are diagnosed with PTSD that they are crazy? No! They were the victim. The perpetrator has sinned against that child and now that child is dealing with the consequences of the perpetrators sin whether it is fair or not. A door was slammed open in that child's heart and a stronghold of fear was created. It would be mournfully re-injuring to then tell this fragile victim that they are crazy for feeling the way they do.
There are grown up childhood abuse victims walking around all over the place. Some are suffering very deeply with things like depression, anxiety, suicidal ideations and destructive lifestyles to manage the suffering. Childhood rape is an extreme example, but one that most people would identify as heinous and destructive to the victim, but there are many more experiences of children that are abusive that may not get the attention of others. Neglect, unhealthy family environments...and the list goes on. These all are reasons for a child to develop anxiety and carry it into adulthood.
I am not a Psychologist, but I have talked to enough of them and I have a sister who is one, and I have experienced what the books teach, first hand. I've lived it and I have a definite passion to help those who are suffering with it. First I have to find my way out, or my life within it and then I'll be happy to share what I know with anyone interested in what I have learned.
Thanks for listening/reading. Jesus bless you! PFY.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Quit Going to School and Start Learning
To clarify my post title I should rephrase it, so as not to cause unnecessary defensiveness in my readers. Perhaps this title would be more accurately stated as: I quit going to school and I feel I am really beginning to learn some things.
For me, the school environment has always been difficult because of some major distractions and hindrances to my ability to focus. Social anxiety and perfectionism are two most prominent culprits.
Growing up I experienced an unusual and unhealthy amount of anxiety in the classroom setting due, probably, to the dysfunction and stress of my home life and certain early traumatic childhood experiences. The overwhelming anxiety stole from me the ability to enjoy learning. I was born interested in learning, but that natural enthusiasm was destroyed by my perceptions and feelings experienced in the "learning environment" we call the classroom. This is mournful to me.
I have and always will be a life-long learner. I can find just about any subject interesting if I give it half a chance and once I'm interested I want to know as much as I can.
I recently returned to school after avoiding it for 10 years. I was afraid to go back because of the feelings I always had while being subjected that particular environment. I became interested in massage therapy during my absence, so I decided to take the plunge and face my longtime fear to attempt to study and receive a certificate for the practice of massage therapy.
It was a 10 month program and I lasted one month. The anxiety returned full force and I ended up withdrawing. My defense and explanation for my decision is the subject of a future blog I suspect, but for now I just wanted to inform you of it to drive my point that the experience in the learning environment is a powerful enhancement or distraction to the ability and natural desire to learn.
Other than anxiety, the whole grading system seems to be a major distraction in and of itself. We expect children and adults alike to learn under the pressure of performance and then wonder why their confidence levels fluctuate with every report card. People end up with inferiority complexes or inflated egos instead of just arriving at a more knowledgeable and enlightened place in their minds and spirits. I contribute this to the psychological response to being constantly judged on everything one is learning. I will own this for myself since I realize not everyone may feel similarly about their learning environment experience ( probably because they don't have anxiety or perfectionism distracting them and or they are the one's with the inflated ego).
I tend to judge myself harshly in a school setting. I want to succeed and prove myself to be intelligent, so I put my full efforts forth to achieve the highest expected standards of the school. I received a 4.0 GPA during that month of attendance at the massage school and I have an inflated ego as a result, but I felt I learned much less than I was hoping for.
As I said earlier, I withdrew from the school due to my anxiety and other personal reason I will probably blog about shortly, but my education and interest in massage therapy has only begun to blossom as a result. I am acutely interested in the subject and so I have kept all the books and the massage table so I can continue my studies and practice on my own. It is baffling to me how easy it is to study when the pressure of judgement is lifted. I wait for a particular area of the subject matter to ruminate subconsciously until a series of questions begin to erupt into my conscious mind. Then, as most people do, hopefully, at this point I go research the answer with enthusiasm. This, to me, is how learning should feel.
Learning should be an invigorating experience that promotes vitality and motivation. It should inspire change and growth and then it should expedite itself. Wow, I hope I used that word correctly. I don't think I've ever actually used the word expedite in a sentence before. I think I am proving my point? It should promote, foster and build on itself by sheer force of natural inclination.
This has been my experience and I suspect the experience of many. I never went to a university and I have no degree of any kind. I know some extremely intelligent people who also have no degree behind their genius level IQ's. One is my own brother and the other a close friend. I respect and admire them both and I have learned to respect and admire myself,as well.
I used to feel ashamed when people asked me what college I went to and I had to reply that I never did. I used to conclude about myself what I assume society concludes about me...that I am uneducated and therefore unintelligent. I no longer believe that. I have no degrees or certificates to certify my education, but I am educated and I am as intelligent as I need to be to live my life. Where I lack knowledge I seek it out and continue to pray for wisdom beyond my years. I find joy and peace in this endeavor. I can close the book on shame-based judgements of myself reinforced by societal standards and appraisals of me, and others like me.
It's 5 am and I've been up since 3 researching about essential oils that could relieve anxiety. I'm tired now and I feel much calmer having gotten this all off my mind and into my blog. I'm really enjoying this blogging outlet. Thank you for listening/reading. I truly hope you found it interesting whether you agree or not.
Jesus bless you always, but especially when you trust Him!
For me, the school environment has always been difficult because of some major distractions and hindrances to my ability to focus. Social anxiety and perfectionism are two most prominent culprits.
Growing up I experienced an unusual and unhealthy amount of anxiety in the classroom setting due, probably, to the dysfunction and stress of my home life and certain early traumatic childhood experiences. The overwhelming anxiety stole from me the ability to enjoy learning. I was born interested in learning, but that natural enthusiasm was destroyed by my perceptions and feelings experienced in the "learning environment" we call the classroom. This is mournful to me.
I have and always will be a life-long learner. I can find just about any subject interesting if I give it half a chance and once I'm interested I want to know as much as I can.
I recently returned to school after avoiding it for 10 years. I was afraid to go back because of the feelings I always had while being subjected that particular environment. I became interested in massage therapy during my absence, so I decided to take the plunge and face my longtime fear to attempt to study and receive a certificate for the practice of massage therapy.
It was a 10 month program and I lasted one month. The anxiety returned full force and I ended up withdrawing. My defense and explanation for my decision is the subject of a future blog I suspect, but for now I just wanted to inform you of it to drive my point that the experience in the learning environment is a powerful enhancement or distraction to the ability and natural desire to learn.
Other than anxiety, the whole grading system seems to be a major distraction in and of itself. We expect children and adults alike to learn under the pressure of performance and then wonder why their confidence levels fluctuate with every report card. People end up with inferiority complexes or inflated egos instead of just arriving at a more knowledgeable and enlightened place in their minds and spirits. I contribute this to the psychological response to being constantly judged on everything one is learning. I will own this for myself since I realize not everyone may feel similarly about their learning environment experience ( probably because they don't have anxiety or perfectionism distracting them and or they are the one's with the inflated ego).
I tend to judge myself harshly in a school setting. I want to succeed and prove myself to be intelligent, so I put my full efforts forth to achieve the highest expected standards of the school. I received a 4.0 GPA during that month of attendance at the massage school and I have an inflated ego as a result, but I felt I learned much less than I was hoping for.
As I said earlier, I withdrew from the school due to my anxiety and other personal reason I will probably blog about shortly, but my education and interest in massage therapy has only begun to blossom as a result. I am acutely interested in the subject and so I have kept all the books and the massage table so I can continue my studies and practice on my own. It is baffling to me how easy it is to study when the pressure of judgement is lifted. I wait for a particular area of the subject matter to ruminate subconsciously until a series of questions begin to erupt into my conscious mind. Then, as most people do, hopefully, at this point I go research the answer with enthusiasm. This, to me, is how learning should feel.
Learning should be an invigorating experience that promotes vitality and motivation. It should inspire change and growth and then it should expedite itself. Wow, I hope I used that word correctly. I don't think I've ever actually used the word expedite in a sentence before. I think I am proving my point? It should promote, foster and build on itself by sheer force of natural inclination.
This has been my experience and I suspect the experience of many. I never went to a university and I have no degree of any kind. I know some extremely intelligent people who also have no degree behind their genius level IQ's. One is my own brother and the other a close friend. I respect and admire them both and I have learned to respect and admire myself,as well.
I used to feel ashamed when people asked me what college I went to and I had to reply that I never did. I used to conclude about myself what I assume society concludes about me...that I am uneducated and therefore unintelligent. I no longer believe that. I have no degrees or certificates to certify my education, but I am educated and I am as intelligent as I need to be to live my life. Where I lack knowledge I seek it out and continue to pray for wisdom beyond my years. I find joy and peace in this endeavor. I can close the book on shame-based judgements of myself reinforced by societal standards and appraisals of me, and others like me.
It's 5 am and I've been up since 3 researching about essential oils that could relieve anxiety. I'm tired now and I feel much calmer having gotten this all off my mind and into my blog. I'm really enjoying this blogging outlet. Thank you for listening/reading. I truly hope you found it interesting whether you agree or not.
Jesus bless you always, but especially when you trust Him!
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Accepted
This is what I'm talking about. Jesus is so good to me. After I wrote my last blog my friend who doesn't know me that well yet, read it and she had compassion and patience with me. She allowed me to tell her what I needed to feel comfortable hanging out with her and I told her. She was pleasantly surprised at how uncomplicated it was, I think, and she graciously modified a few plans to offer me the feeling of being secure and safe. I did hang out with her and her husband and other friends...for 5 hours. I enjoyed myself more than I have in a really long time, with the exception of worship practice and church, and I was so inspired when I left their house.
I felt loved, accepted, appreciated, wanted, admired even. I may have been the oldest one at the gathering, but emotionally I feel like I went from 5th grade to about college in one evening of a positive interaction.
This is the power of prayer and Love my friends. Loving each other the way that they need it so they can be the best them that they really are. Letting others Love you so you can be the best you that you are, and enjoy it.
Thank You, Jesus, for my new friends, my church and my family. Thank You for corrective experiences to heal such wounded places in my soul. Thank you for answering my sister's prayer last night and for giving my friends wisdom to know how to love and accept me for who I am, not who they wish I was.
I love You, Jesus. I'll always love You and need You, but it is such a blessing to have the gift of healthy earthly relationships to make the journey enjoyable and sometimes more bearable.
Jesus bless you and your relationships.
I felt loved, accepted, appreciated, wanted, admired even. I may have been the oldest one at the gathering, but emotionally I feel like I went from 5th grade to about college in one evening of a positive interaction.
This is the power of prayer and Love my friends. Loving each other the way that they need it so they can be the best them that they really are. Letting others Love you so you can be the best you that you are, and enjoy it.
Thank You, Jesus, for my new friends, my church and my family. Thank You for corrective experiences to heal such wounded places in my soul. Thank you for answering my sister's prayer last night and for giving my friends wisdom to know how to love and accept me for who I am, not who they wish I was.
I love You, Jesus. I'll always love You and need You, but it is such a blessing to have the gift of healthy earthly relationships to make the journey enjoyable and sometimes more bearable.
Jesus bless you and your relationships.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Too Sensitive
This has been on my mind all day and I find that it is affecting my desire to hang out with my new friends. I don't expect anyone to understand, but this is my attempt to explain what is so difficult about socializing for me these days.
I am a very sensitive person. I am sensitive to sounds, ideas, others suffering, my own feelings about everything, music, movies, literature, social interactions and of course personal rejection whether it is perceived or real. Fear and anxiety are the main symptoms and responses to these sensitivities, when triggered.
People have been telling me to toughen up and stop caring so much since I was a child. It hurt to hear that, but I was a child, so I ignored the hurt and concluded I was flawed as I was and I tried to do as they told me. I tried not to care when people hurt me. I tried not to be afraid and I tried not to show how sensitive I felt because I knew they perceived me as weak.
When I got older my methods of desensitizing became more elaborate. I would compromise my morals to expose myself to things that might toughen me up. I went to places where the worldly philosophies were rampant. I watched television shows that made light of sacred things and I watched horror films hoping it would callus my soul enough to deaden the fear I couldn't seem to get a hold of. Did all this cure me? No!!! It made it worse.
My heart did become desensitized, but not to my own feelings and not to fear. My heart lost the ability to hear the voice of the Comforter. My heart lost the ability to feel His Presence and believe He was real and true and He loved me. My mind became corrupt and perverse and my behavior followed. I did things I never wanted to do and for which I can never erase the memories. Even if I wanted to do them I knew they were wrong and I hated myself for doing them. Self hatred is a disease and a pit.
I was stuck in that pit for years. I nearly died there by my own hand. Ironically enough it was fear that motivated me to crawl out of that pit. I had to use every fingernail and toenail to grip the slimy edges and work my way out, but when my fingers were nubified I was seeing the surface and the possibility of freedom.
Fear isn't always bad. This fear was the fear of God. I was afraid that in my sin, which was thoroughly miserable, I may be sent to hell if I died that way and then my torment would never end...not ever. That thought scared me more than anything.
I am not going to debate or even try to explain what I believe about hell and whether it is real, eternal or as bad as some say. The truth is, I don't know. I only have opinions and questions of my own. That isn't the point of this post.
All I'm saying is that fear motivated me to seek help. I hated being afraid of God, but I somehow knew that even though He scared me, He was the only One who could help me out of the pit and my destructive lifestyle. Yeah, my choices and actions were bad, but my heart was uglier than all of that combined. Underneath the stain of sin was an even bigger mound of festering wounds I was also afraid of...of course.
I have spent the last 3 years and 5 months crawling my way back to the feet of Jesus. I am have arrived and He is everything I always hoped He would be. He is more Loving, more Gracious, more merciful and more kind than I ever had a clue He could be. He is also more wise and more demanding than anyone I know. He doesn't want me to ever go back to where I was and neither do I, with every breath in my lungs.
I am sensitive. I am glad I am sensitive. It allows me to feel Jesus and hear His tender voice as I continue to invite Him into my festering wounds to lance the poison out of them and flush His cleansing blood through them. That is the only way to cast out the fear in my life. His perfect Love has to do its perfect work in me before I will be free of the fear that has taken hold for so very long.
And so I walk with Him hand in hand and sometimes He even carries me when I'm shaking so bad I can't walk another step. But, like I said, He is demanding. He demands my loyalty and my obedience. It doesn't feel demanding to me because I am so devoted to Him and I so desire to please Him so I won't ever slip back into that pit of deception again.
I don't place before my eyes, my ears, my mouth or my body things that detract me from His Love because outside of His Love is fear, for me. I want to stay under the protection of His wings. What this looks like for me may not be what it looks like for you. I have very strict boundaries around myself for my own protection. I try not to stray outside of them because I know the me I'll have to deal with if I do.
To some I may appear legalistic, overly sensitive, excessively rigid or even irrational, but for me it is a way to guard my heart.
This isn't difficult when I am at home or with people who know me well, but when I meet new people or spend time with people who don't know me as well, I encounter some anxiety again within myself at the anticipation of, or actual encounters of, resistance to my choices. Sometimes it is overt and sometimes it is all perceived.
Today I had lunch with some wonderful Christian friends whom I adore and enjoy spending time with from time to time. All was well until my friend began to talk about something I felt was too much for me to handle. I had asked him to not talk about such negative things once already, so when I realized he wasn't capable of understanding how excruciating it was for me to listen to, I politely informed the party I was with that I needed to go on my way. And I left. I wasn't angry at anyone and I wasn't blaming them for my feelings in any way. I just knew that for the sake of my emotional/mental/ spiritual health I had to distance myself from the content they were bringing to my attention.
I felt awful for leaving because I felt that they thought I didn't care about them or want to be with them. This was not the case. I love them, but I felt that if I stayed I would be betraying myself in an effort to please them.
I am a good listener. Ask anyone who knows me. I am not opposed to listening to others hearts and pains and sufferings, and even rantings and ventings. But when I find that my listening is no longer something I am doing in Jesus strength or it is leading me down a path I know is unhealthy for me then I have to take drastic measures. Leaving is the most used tactic. If the person is willing to listen to why I am leaving then I am happy to explain as long as they don't try to dissuade me of my decision or my reasons for doing so.
Relationships are hard for me. I consider myself to be high maintenance by the standards of the world, but I know that for those who invest in me and take the time to get to know me I have an infinite amount of compassion and Love for them. I am as loyal as Jesus allows me to be and as fun as I am relaxed at the moment.
If you're my friend, or want to be, I guess it is inevitable that we will run into moments where I won't want to see the movie you are seeing, or I won't want to talk about the latest negative news headline. I take seriously the renewal of my mind, the setting apart of my body to be a slave to righteousness and the active effort to think on things that are good, pure and lovely. Not because its a rule and command, but because it is edifying and comforting to my already wounded soul. I can't avoid suffering and pain and reality in this life, but I don't have to feast on the darkness that feeds it.
Thank you for listening to my heart. I hope this will help you better understand why I am alright with the fact that I am sensitive and why I think it is a gift not a weakness.
I am a very sensitive person. I am sensitive to sounds, ideas, others suffering, my own feelings about everything, music, movies, literature, social interactions and of course personal rejection whether it is perceived or real. Fear and anxiety are the main symptoms and responses to these sensitivities, when triggered.
People have been telling me to toughen up and stop caring so much since I was a child. It hurt to hear that, but I was a child, so I ignored the hurt and concluded I was flawed as I was and I tried to do as they told me. I tried not to care when people hurt me. I tried not to be afraid and I tried not to show how sensitive I felt because I knew they perceived me as weak.
When I got older my methods of desensitizing became more elaborate. I would compromise my morals to expose myself to things that might toughen me up. I went to places where the worldly philosophies were rampant. I watched television shows that made light of sacred things and I watched horror films hoping it would callus my soul enough to deaden the fear I couldn't seem to get a hold of. Did all this cure me? No!!! It made it worse.
My heart did become desensitized, but not to my own feelings and not to fear. My heart lost the ability to hear the voice of the Comforter. My heart lost the ability to feel His Presence and believe He was real and true and He loved me. My mind became corrupt and perverse and my behavior followed. I did things I never wanted to do and for which I can never erase the memories. Even if I wanted to do them I knew they were wrong and I hated myself for doing them. Self hatred is a disease and a pit.
I was stuck in that pit for years. I nearly died there by my own hand. Ironically enough it was fear that motivated me to crawl out of that pit. I had to use every fingernail and toenail to grip the slimy edges and work my way out, but when my fingers were nubified I was seeing the surface and the possibility of freedom.
Fear isn't always bad. This fear was the fear of God. I was afraid that in my sin, which was thoroughly miserable, I may be sent to hell if I died that way and then my torment would never end...not ever. That thought scared me more than anything.
I am not going to debate or even try to explain what I believe about hell and whether it is real, eternal or as bad as some say. The truth is, I don't know. I only have opinions and questions of my own. That isn't the point of this post.
All I'm saying is that fear motivated me to seek help. I hated being afraid of God, but I somehow knew that even though He scared me, He was the only One who could help me out of the pit and my destructive lifestyle. Yeah, my choices and actions were bad, but my heart was uglier than all of that combined. Underneath the stain of sin was an even bigger mound of festering wounds I was also afraid of...of course.
I have spent the last 3 years and 5 months crawling my way back to the feet of Jesus. I am have arrived and He is everything I always hoped He would be. He is more Loving, more Gracious, more merciful and more kind than I ever had a clue He could be. He is also more wise and more demanding than anyone I know. He doesn't want me to ever go back to where I was and neither do I, with every breath in my lungs.
I am sensitive. I am glad I am sensitive. It allows me to feel Jesus and hear His tender voice as I continue to invite Him into my festering wounds to lance the poison out of them and flush His cleansing blood through them. That is the only way to cast out the fear in my life. His perfect Love has to do its perfect work in me before I will be free of the fear that has taken hold for so very long.
And so I walk with Him hand in hand and sometimes He even carries me when I'm shaking so bad I can't walk another step. But, like I said, He is demanding. He demands my loyalty and my obedience. It doesn't feel demanding to me because I am so devoted to Him and I so desire to please Him so I won't ever slip back into that pit of deception again.
I don't place before my eyes, my ears, my mouth or my body things that detract me from His Love because outside of His Love is fear, for me. I want to stay under the protection of His wings. What this looks like for me may not be what it looks like for you. I have very strict boundaries around myself for my own protection. I try not to stray outside of them because I know the me I'll have to deal with if I do.
To some I may appear legalistic, overly sensitive, excessively rigid or even irrational, but for me it is a way to guard my heart.
This isn't difficult when I am at home or with people who know me well, but when I meet new people or spend time with people who don't know me as well, I encounter some anxiety again within myself at the anticipation of, or actual encounters of, resistance to my choices. Sometimes it is overt and sometimes it is all perceived.
Today I had lunch with some wonderful Christian friends whom I adore and enjoy spending time with from time to time. All was well until my friend began to talk about something I felt was too much for me to handle. I had asked him to not talk about such negative things once already, so when I realized he wasn't capable of understanding how excruciating it was for me to listen to, I politely informed the party I was with that I needed to go on my way. And I left. I wasn't angry at anyone and I wasn't blaming them for my feelings in any way. I just knew that for the sake of my emotional/mental/ spiritual health I had to distance myself from the content they were bringing to my attention.
I felt awful for leaving because I felt that they thought I didn't care about them or want to be with them. This was not the case. I love them, but I felt that if I stayed I would be betraying myself in an effort to please them.
I am a good listener. Ask anyone who knows me. I am not opposed to listening to others hearts and pains and sufferings, and even rantings and ventings. But when I find that my listening is no longer something I am doing in Jesus strength or it is leading me down a path I know is unhealthy for me then I have to take drastic measures. Leaving is the most used tactic. If the person is willing to listen to why I am leaving then I am happy to explain as long as they don't try to dissuade me of my decision or my reasons for doing so.
Relationships are hard for me. I consider myself to be high maintenance by the standards of the world, but I know that for those who invest in me and take the time to get to know me I have an infinite amount of compassion and Love for them. I am as loyal as Jesus allows me to be and as fun as I am relaxed at the moment.
If you're my friend, or want to be, I guess it is inevitable that we will run into moments where I won't want to see the movie you are seeing, or I won't want to talk about the latest negative news headline. I take seriously the renewal of my mind, the setting apart of my body to be a slave to righteousness and the active effort to think on things that are good, pure and lovely. Not because its a rule and command, but because it is edifying and comforting to my already wounded soul. I can't avoid suffering and pain and reality in this life, but I don't have to feast on the darkness that feeds it.
Thank you for listening to my heart. I hope this will help you better understand why I am alright with the fact that I am sensitive and why I think it is a gift not a weakness.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Prolific
If you haven't noticed by now, there is no theme to my blog that I can decipher at this point. I write about what's on my mind. I write about what's on my heart. I write about my betrothal to the King of the universe.
I just sorted through all my songs and poems. I counted how many songs I have written in the past 10 years. The total is 49. That averages to about 2 and a half songs every month. If a recording artist produces an album with 10 songs on it and puts out a new album every 2 years then they would have to write 50 songs in 10 years. Can I claim to be a prolific lyricist yet? Can I claim to be a consistent and hard working songwriter who has the potential to earn a living doing what I love? All I need is for someone to invest in me, market me well and keep believing in my ability. I know the perfect agent.
He will never demand more of me than is right. He will always believe I am capable and He will always provide me with material from which I can draw inspiration for my new songs. He will make sure I'm paid well and I'll never want for anything. He will open doors that no one can shut and he will shut doors I really don't want opened in the first place. He'll protect me from the craziness of the industry and its corruption and he'll protect me from my own self getting wrapped up in it. He'll remind me who I am when my had gets inflated and He'll pick up the pieces of my broken heart when I feel rejected and unappreciated. If I get burned out, He will give me rest in every way I need it. He has connections out of this world and I will never have to compromise my convictions to get ahead or get recognized. He will never give up on me, even if I get writers block for an indefinite period of time. He won't sell me out or betray me. When my career is over and I am no longer able to accomplish one more thing for Him, He'll be the one to walk me through the transition into eternal retirement. And then we'll start all over again with a whole new set of abilities and goals and purposes that will never end. The struggle will be over, but the challenges that make it fun will go on and on. There will be joy without end and an audience who will always love me and want to hear my latest creation.
Yeah, I don't know any earthly agents like that. I don't know anyone like that, but Jesus Himself.
Fact is. I have no guarantee that my dreams are even in God's will. All I have is prayer that offers my talents, gifts and desires at His feet and pleads with Him to conform them to His. Then I'll be content no matter if my songs hide in a binder under my bed for the rest of my life, or I sing only for the forgotten elderly folks in the nursing home, or my family, or my church, or my well hidden YouTube channel. If my recordings stay tucked in a drawer for no one to ever appreciate, its alright. I don't write to make money, get famous or be recognized for my talents. I write because my songs are the children of love between God and I. He fills my heart with songs and I put them on paper, cassette and CD. I enjoy the process and the relationship that makes the process enjoyable.
I do want to share my gifts with others. I want them to hear my heart and marvel at the work Christ has done in me. I want to bless them and encourage their hearts through the songs that my suffering and pain and failure produced. I want to be known for who I am, but if that is all that it is, it is not enough. If my gifts don't point to the Creator of this creator than it is all in vain and worthless. If I can't disappear enough to reveal the One who dwells within me than I am just a clanging symbol and a distraction. If it isn't His Love flowing through me than I am just a resounding gong and a temptation to worship something or someone other than the One worthy of all worship and adoration.
So, I write, I play my guitar and I sing at my Church with all my heart. I take the opportunities that God gives me and I wait patiently for the revelation of His will. I bless those who receive my blessing and I offer my blessings to all. I cry when the blessing is rejected or my creation is not appreciated to the degree I had hoped for. I tell Jesus about it and He holds me and whispers to me how proud He is of me and how delighted He is to have me for a daughter and a servant. Life with Jesus goes on and I do the best I can to obey His command to Love Him with all my heart, soul, mind and might. And I try to Love others more than myself.
I love you, whoever you are reading this. More than that, Jesus Loves you and He's the One who gives me Love for you.
Peace to you and yours through Jesus Christ, the Prince of Peace!
I just sorted through all my songs and poems. I counted how many songs I have written in the past 10 years. The total is 49. That averages to about 2 and a half songs every month. If a recording artist produces an album with 10 songs on it and puts out a new album every 2 years then they would have to write 50 songs in 10 years. Can I claim to be a prolific lyricist yet? Can I claim to be a consistent and hard working songwriter who has the potential to earn a living doing what I love? All I need is for someone to invest in me, market me well and keep believing in my ability. I know the perfect agent.
He will never demand more of me than is right. He will always believe I am capable and He will always provide me with material from which I can draw inspiration for my new songs. He will make sure I'm paid well and I'll never want for anything. He will open doors that no one can shut and he will shut doors I really don't want opened in the first place. He'll protect me from the craziness of the industry and its corruption and he'll protect me from my own self getting wrapped up in it. He'll remind me who I am when my had gets inflated and He'll pick up the pieces of my broken heart when I feel rejected and unappreciated. If I get burned out, He will give me rest in every way I need it. He has connections out of this world and I will never have to compromise my convictions to get ahead or get recognized. He will never give up on me, even if I get writers block for an indefinite period of time. He won't sell me out or betray me. When my career is over and I am no longer able to accomplish one more thing for Him, He'll be the one to walk me through the transition into eternal retirement. And then we'll start all over again with a whole new set of abilities and goals and purposes that will never end. The struggle will be over, but the challenges that make it fun will go on and on. There will be joy without end and an audience who will always love me and want to hear my latest creation.
Yeah, I don't know any earthly agents like that. I don't know anyone like that, but Jesus Himself.
Fact is. I have no guarantee that my dreams are even in God's will. All I have is prayer that offers my talents, gifts and desires at His feet and pleads with Him to conform them to His. Then I'll be content no matter if my songs hide in a binder under my bed for the rest of my life, or I sing only for the forgotten elderly folks in the nursing home, or my family, or my church, or my well hidden YouTube channel. If my recordings stay tucked in a drawer for no one to ever appreciate, its alright. I don't write to make money, get famous or be recognized for my talents. I write because my songs are the children of love between God and I. He fills my heart with songs and I put them on paper, cassette and CD. I enjoy the process and the relationship that makes the process enjoyable.
I do want to share my gifts with others. I want them to hear my heart and marvel at the work Christ has done in me. I want to bless them and encourage their hearts through the songs that my suffering and pain and failure produced. I want to be known for who I am, but if that is all that it is, it is not enough. If my gifts don't point to the Creator of this creator than it is all in vain and worthless. If I can't disappear enough to reveal the One who dwells within me than I am just a clanging symbol and a distraction. If it isn't His Love flowing through me than I am just a resounding gong and a temptation to worship something or someone other than the One worthy of all worship and adoration.
So, I write, I play my guitar and I sing at my Church with all my heart. I take the opportunities that God gives me and I wait patiently for the revelation of His will. I bless those who receive my blessing and I offer my blessings to all. I cry when the blessing is rejected or my creation is not appreciated to the degree I had hoped for. I tell Jesus about it and He holds me and whispers to me how proud He is of me and how delighted He is to have me for a daughter and a servant. Life with Jesus goes on and I do the best I can to obey His command to Love Him with all my heart, soul, mind and might. And I try to Love others more than myself.
I love you, whoever you are reading this. More than that, Jesus Loves you and He's the One who gives me Love for you.
Peace to you and yours through Jesus Christ, the Prince of Peace!
Can You see it?
I wrote this in my journal last night and fell asleep from exhaustion, but I was so excited to post it on my blog that here I am at 5am blogging this vision I had for not only the soldiers and military personel and my dad in Iraq, but for all my brothers and sisters in Jesus Christ. I wish it could be true for everyone, but this vision belongs solely to those who have put their trust in Jesus Christ and are His heirs. It can be true for you, too, at any time if you decide to search for Jesus and trust Him with your life. Ask me, or anyone who has already done this and they will tell you how worth it it is and how it has changed everything about them.
Can you see it? Can you see who you really are? Can you see what's going on? They are watching you. They are marveling at you as you sleep, as you eat, as you work and as you weep. They are on the edge of their seat when you wake up and pray for safety. They are praising God when you face your fear and put on the armor (Ephesians 6:10...) just before you hit the front lines. They are straining back and forth looking from Jesus' face to yours as you fight. They wait for His command to intercede and protect you- whether from bodily harm or spiritual attack.
When your "day" is through and you are given opportunity to rest, they follow you back to the barracks, the tent, the apartment or the cave. They watch you struggle with yourself, your thoughts, your aching body, your wounds, your homesickness and your anger, even your numbness. They watch you open your Bible in search for strength, comfort, wisdom, purpose, understanding, hope and answers. They scratch their heads in amazement when you kneel for a moment and connect with their Master, your best friend and Savior. But...when they begin to hear you sing, whether with music or just from that deep place inside you offer praise and thanksgiving from, they can't just watch anymore. They begin to gather together around you. They join in worship and strengthen the song of your heart. They break into 10,000 part harmony and bust out their heavenly musical instruments and a concert takes place in the heavenlies above you, around you and in you.
When no one else is there to see the victory you've accomplished by not giving in, getting drunk or abusing the internet...When no one but you is aware of the temptations of your soul and flesh and the way you defeat the enemy over an over in Jesus' Name, they are watching. You are never alone. Yes, Jesus is there, too, even closer than they are. He feels it all with you. He is whispering His delight into your ear whether you can hear it or not. He is smiling with pride over you and nodding in approval as He shows you off as His child to the choir of angels dancing over you.
He is also putting you on display before your cowering enemies who have taunted you and tortured you. They are forced to kneel in humiliation as Jesus honors you before the angels of heaven and more importantly, His Father. They are forced to listen as He speaks a tribute about you in intercession on your behalf to His Father.
You may not hear it said until you meet Him face to face in eternity, but He is already saying to you, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." And beause you are a co-heir with Christ the Father joins His One and only Son and declares before the universe and all therin, "This is my child, in whom I am well pleased."
He Loves you more than you can fathom, whether you are His child or not. He longs for your heart to be united with His more than He cared about the earthly life and comfort of His only Son. He abandoned Him to make it possible to be near YOU. Yes, you!!! Life can make us doubt. Suffering can make us question, but nothing will ever deter His Love for you. Nothing will stop His persuing you with passionate devotion. You can reject Him if you choose, He won't force you to love Him back, but He won't finalize anything until you take your rejection to the grave with you. After that you are on your own. Until then, seek. Until then...SEEK! Seek and you will find. He promises to be found by you if you seek Him with all your heart as though for buried treasure. (Jeremiah 29:13, Proverbs 2:4-5)
I am praying for you.
I know I said I wasn't going to write to you, anymore, in my last blog, but that was just silly. I am blogging for myself as well as you. Take it or leave it. It's your choice, but never hesitate to comment. Jesus bless you today and always!
Can you see it? Can you see who you really are? Can you see what's going on? They are watching you. They are marveling at you as you sleep, as you eat, as you work and as you weep. They are on the edge of their seat when you wake up and pray for safety. They are praising God when you face your fear and put on the armor (Ephesians 6:10...) just before you hit the front lines. They are straining back and forth looking from Jesus' face to yours as you fight. They wait for His command to intercede and protect you- whether from bodily harm or spiritual attack.
When your "day" is through and you are given opportunity to rest, they follow you back to the barracks, the tent, the apartment or the cave. They watch you struggle with yourself, your thoughts, your aching body, your wounds, your homesickness and your anger, even your numbness. They watch you open your Bible in search for strength, comfort, wisdom, purpose, understanding, hope and answers. They scratch their heads in amazement when you kneel for a moment and connect with their Master, your best friend and Savior. But...when they begin to hear you sing, whether with music or just from that deep place inside you offer praise and thanksgiving from, they can't just watch anymore. They begin to gather together around you. They join in worship and strengthen the song of your heart. They break into 10,000 part harmony and bust out their heavenly musical instruments and a concert takes place in the heavenlies above you, around you and in you.
When no one else is there to see the victory you've accomplished by not giving in, getting drunk or abusing the internet...When no one but you is aware of the temptations of your soul and flesh and the way you defeat the enemy over an over in Jesus' Name, they are watching. You are never alone. Yes, Jesus is there, too, even closer than they are. He feels it all with you. He is whispering His delight into your ear whether you can hear it or not. He is smiling with pride over you and nodding in approval as He shows you off as His child to the choir of angels dancing over you.
He is also putting you on display before your cowering enemies who have taunted you and tortured you. They are forced to kneel in humiliation as Jesus honors you before the angels of heaven and more importantly, His Father. They are forced to listen as He speaks a tribute about you in intercession on your behalf to His Father.
You may not hear it said until you meet Him face to face in eternity, but He is already saying to you, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." And beause you are a co-heir with Christ the Father joins His One and only Son and declares before the universe and all therin, "This is my child, in whom I am well pleased."
He Loves you more than you can fathom, whether you are His child or not. He longs for your heart to be united with His more than He cared about the earthly life and comfort of His only Son. He abandoned Him to make it possible to be near YOU. Yes, you!!! Life can make us doubt. Suffering can make us question, but nothing will ever deter His Love for you. Nothing will stop His persuing you with passionate devotion. You can reject Him if you choose, He won't force you to love Him back, but He won't finalize anything until you take your rejection to the grave with you. After that you are on your own. Until then, seek. Until then...SEEK! Seek and you will find. He promises to be found by you if you seek Him with all your heart as though for buried treasure. (Jeremiah 29:13, Proverbs 2:4-5)
I am praying for you.
I know I said I wasn't going to write to you, anymore, in my last blog, but that was just silly. I am blogging for myself as well as you. Take it or leave it. It's your choice, but never hesitate to comment. Jesus bless you today and always!
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
About my previous blog...
I'm not going to apologize for my previous blog, but I do want to say that I realize I may have sounded a bit defensive at first. I don't even know you or what you're thinking. I write to you and I try to convince you of something, but I don't know where you are coming from. You are just a projection of a culmination of all my relationships. I'll try not to think about you so much when I blog in the future. I'll try just to write about me and maybe even to me. You can then read without the need to feel I am attacking you. I am tired now. I am working my way through someone else's blog archives and although I am enjoying it immensely, I am tired now and have nothing else to say in my own blog because I've said most of it in my comments to his posts. Good night!
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Excruciatingly Hurt
I gave birth today...twice. I held my offspring up to the person I trust most in this world and desired that they adore my precious one with me and they did, but only for a few minutes before shifting their focus onto a daily task I felt had no comparable worth. I don't know what I was expecting? I don't know why I feel so excruciatingly hurt. I actually felt like throwing up from the sheer force of grief I felt.
No. I did not give birth to twins. I'm not married and I don't have any children. You may think I am over-reacting and being way too sensitive. You are right. I am too sensitive compared to you, maybe. Maybe I am over-reacting. Who is to say that my reaction to my experience is not justifiable or my feelings valuable enough to describe in such dramatic language? Are you me? Can you feel what I feel? Can you fix it, even? No. Your assessment is based on your life experience, your ways of coping with your own pain and your ways of thinking about suffering so as to not feel overly uncomfortable or out of control.
I don't need your comfort or your advice. I need to be heard. I need to be understood. I need to be validated. Even those who love us the most can't always meet our needs in the ways we need them to. So, I have it out with God. I cast my bleeding heart at His once bleeding feet. The pain I feel He felt before I was even born. He knew I'd feel this and He made a way for me to find comfort and purpose even in this moment. S
Sure, I could use a hug from a friend. I could use a human shoulder to cry on, even. I wouldn't mind having a husband to hold me for a while and tell me how beautiful my creation really is that my loved one seemed to take for granted. But, even if I had those people to do those things for me even they, in their humanity, would one day be the very ones to trigger pain in me. No one is safe or trustworthy completely, but Jesus Christ alone.
I used to trust Him least of anyone. I'd run to a lover of my flesh faster than the Lover of my soul. I would use them to escape and then I'd feel twice as in agony as before I tried to find solace in their arms. Now, I know to whom I can run. I know to whom I can find true relief. I know the One who knows why I feel hurt. I know the One who can lance my wound and flush the infection from my soul that keeps the wound from healing. I know the One who is The Love that heals me. He is always with me and He is always willing to listen and hold me and whisper into my heart the things I long to hear from my human loved ones.
Jesus! It hurts so bad. You gave me a gift and I tried to give it away, but they rejected it. They smiled and sang along, but they didn't receive it. They tasted it, but they didn't let it nourish their soul. Is this how I made You feel for 26 years before You finally got my attention? I'm so sorry, Jesus! I am so sorry for causing You such excruciating pain. Thank You for Loving me instead of pouring Your righteous wrath upon my rebellious head.
I love You so much. Please come hold me tight. Please reveal the source of this wound and drain the poison from it. Flush Your cleansing blood into this dead place and give me life. Cast out my fear of rejection and death from my fellow man and replace it with Your pure and Holy Love. Thank You so much for being wounded for my sin and crushed for my insensitivity to Your gifts to me.
And so...I worship You, my King, my Lover, my Savior, my Friend, my Hope, my Provider, my Physician, my Healer, my Refuge, my Comforter.
No. I did not give birth to twins. I'm not married and I don't have any children. You may think I am over-reacting and being way too sensitive. You are right. I am too sensitive compared to you, maybe. Maybe I am over-reacting. Who is to say that my reaction to my experience is not justifiable or my feelings valuable enough to describe in such dramatic language? Are you me? Can you feel what I feel? Can you fix it, even? No. Your assessment is based on your life experience, your ways of coping with your own pain and your ways of thinking about suffering so as to not feel overly uncomfortable or out of control.
I don't need your comfort or your advice. I need to be heard. I need to be understood. I need to be validated. Even those who love us the most can't always meet our needs in the ways we need them to. So, I have it out with God. I cast my bleeding heart at His once bleeding feet. The pain I feel He felt before I was even born. He knew I'd feel this and He made a way for me to find comfort and purpose even in this moment. S
Sure, I could use a hug from a friend. I could use a human shoulder to cry on, even. I wouldn't mind having a husband to hold me for a while and tell me how beautiful my creation really is that my loved one seemed to take for granted. But, even if I had those people to do those things for me even they, in their humanity, would one day be the very ones to trigger pain in me. No one is safe or trustworthy completely, but Jesus Christ alone.
I used to trust Him least of anyone. I'd run to a lover of my flesh faster than the Lover of my soul. I would use them to escape and then I'd feel twice as in agony as before I tried to find solace in their arms. Now, I know to whom I can run. I know to whom I can find true relief. I know the One who knows why I feel hurt. I know the One who can lance my wound and flush the infection from my soul that keeps the wound from healing. I know the One who is The Love that heals me. He is always with me and He is always willing to listen and hold me and whisper into my heart the things I long to hear from my human loved ones.
Jesus! It hurts so bad. You gave me a gift and I tried to give it away, but they rejected it. They smiled and sang along, but they didn't receive it. They tasted it, but they didn't let it nourish their soul. Is this how I made You feel for 26 years before You finally got my attention? I'm so sorry, Jesus! I am so sorry for causing You such excruciating pain. Thank You for Loving me instead of pouring Your righteous wrath upon my rebellious head.
I love You so much. Please come hold me tight. Please reveal the source of this wound and drain the poison from it. Flush Your cleansing blood into this dead place and give me life. Cast out my fear of rejection and death from my fellow man and replace it with Your pure and Holy Love. Thank You so much for being wounded for my sin and crushed for my insensitivity to Your gifts to me.
And so...I worship You, my King, my Lover, my Savior, my Friend, my Hope, my Provider, my Physician, my Healer, my Refuge, my Comforter.
Why I Blog
Why do people blog? Is anyone listening to you? Is anyone listening to me? I blog because I have a lot going on inside me that were I to sit down with one individual and unload my life experience on them, they would no doubt be overwhelmed and exhausted before I was even half way through. Yet, I want to be known. I want to be recognized for who I am and appreciated, if not liked or loved for it.
I enjoy words. I enjoy collecting them into poems and then putting them to music. I am a songwriter and some even describe me as a musician because I play guitar and sing. I am beginning to agree with the "some" because all I seem to want to do is play guitar, write songs and sing. I do it because if I don't I feel less than me. I like me, now, and I want to do things that make me more like me. I think blogging will become one of those things I do that helps express more of me.
But it's not all about me! I've kept a journal since I was 15 years old, but no one has ever read my writings unless I explicitly read it to someone. Blogging is a whole new animal because it is meant to be seen. I guess I have a need to have my thoughts heard. Maybe you'll agree, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll think something negative about me and maybe you won't. It doesn't matter. Just having you hear/read my thoughts is valuable to me whether you like it or not. I welcome constructive criticism and encouragement alike. I especially like when people tell me how they feel, even if it is negative. It is possible to be negative without being verbally destructive. Comments that are aimed at being destructive are less welcome, but I have little control over what you say, so I am aware those comments may reveal themselves in time.
Perhaps blogging will give me the practice I need to develop writing skills worthy of a published book someday. Only God knows. I'm just enjoying the journey and dreaming bigger than my abilities so that He can do "more than I could ever think or imagine", in which case I'll know it's Him and not me.
So, welcome to my blog. I hope you find what you are searching for amongst my streams of consciousness at some point. If not, I hope you just enjoy it for what it is...expression of me.
I enjoy words. I enjoy collecting them into poems and then putting them to music. I am a songwriter and some even describe me as a musician because I play guitar and sing. I am beginning to agree with the "some" because all I seem to want to do is play guitar, write songs and sing. I do it because if I don't I feel less than me. I like me, now, and I want to do things that make me more like me. I think blogging will become one of those things I do that helps express more of me.
But it's not all about me! I've kept a journal since I was 15 years old, but no one has ever read my writings unless I explicitly read it to someone. Blogging is a whole new animal because it is meant to be seen. I guess I have a need to have my thoughts heard. Maybe you'll agree, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll think something negative about me and maybe you won't. It doesn't matter. Just having you hear/read my thoughts is valuable to me whether you like it or not. I welcome constructive criticism and encouragement alike. I especially like when people tell me how they feel, even if it is negative. It is possible to be negative without being verbally destructive. Comments that are aimed at being destructive are less welcome, but I have little control over what you say, so I am aware those comments may reveal themselves in time.
Perhaps blogging will give me the practice I need to develop writing skills worthy of a published book someday. Only God knows. I'm just enjoying the journey and dreaming bigger than my abilities so that He can do "more than I could ever think or imagine", in which case I'll know it's Him and not me.
So, welcome to my blog. I hope you find what you are searching for amongst my streams of consciousness at some point. If not, I hope you just enjoy it for what it is...expression of me.
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