2Bkind

HA! I just almost berated myself for forgetting something...until I remembered that i didn't forget. Yes, that IS possible and it ISN'T improper English, or poorly worded. I was asked to mail some letters. I remembered that I had taken them with me on an errand, but i temporarily forgot that I actually mailed them. During the temporary fail i was disheartened because the timing of the letter would affect several people. I was just about to give myself a tongue lashing when i remembered photographically/cinematographley that i had already completed the task and there was no need to feel or speak negatively about myself. I wonder how many times I do this with life issues more unseen and intangible than mail? I suspect quite a lot. It's sad. It's unnecessary. It isn't helpful and it doesn't just affect me. Every time I am cruel or impatient with myself the energy in my body changes color. I breath and speak that color out and it affects others around me. It would be kind of me toward others to be kinder to myself. Even if i had forgotten to mail those letters, if I can be kind to me, how much more will i also extend grace and patience to others who are imperfect? Something to think about. Something to celebrate...the right to be kind to myself ...permission to be kind to myself ...the responsibility to be kind to myself ...the choice to be kind to myself and others...

bots n gods

I'm so flipping amused by something so mundane and techy that I'm not going to write about the deep subject-matter I had planned, just to give space and energy to this amusement. Upon posting a comment on a friends blog i was asked to prove i am not a robot by entering funny looking squiggly letters. I did so, but my thoughts wanted to prove more complexly how I know I am not a robot. Short answer: I FEEL! Medium answer: I was not created by humans. Longer explanation: I have wished more than several million times to be a puppet, an animal and even a robot just to escape the burden of making choices. yes, for me, choice is a burden. Raised to believe I would be punished mercilessly for my choices if they in fact were wrong or mistaken, I was tortured by inescapable fear of a god that manipulated people to love him by threatening them with not just demise, but endless and ongoing, unrelenting suffering of the most hanous kind should they not do his will and achieve perfection before death. I may not have been created by humans, but this god was and I was tortured by him. I no longer believe he is god at all. I am not completely free, but i'm on my way. I am closer than ever before and though it hurts like hell, it sends me to heaven when the healing seals the Truth in. If I were a robot i would not suffer as i do. If I were a puppet i wouldn't be held responsible for my choices, because in fact I would not have choice. Choice is what it is because it must bear responsibility for the freedom that makes it. I have always felt too weak to bear the responsibility, the consequences and the burdens of choice. Even the act of choosing seems to be endlessly conflicting for my psyche. The fear of choosing wrong or choosing something I may not be strong enough to see through to the end feels intolerable. If my choices affect others negatively i am even more disturbed, even enraged toward myself. I'd rather not exits than affect others negatively. Of course this is not rational or at all human....hmmmm....not human i say?! Am I then, a robot? No. BUT, I am have been trying to not suffer and not take responsibility as if I am a robot. No one would be able to detect it from interacting with me because most people notice right away how hard i am on myself, how I try too hard at everything and beat myself up when I fail. They see easily that I blame myself for things that are not my fault and would rather forgive than not. Seeming contradictory? Yes, it seems so. I live like a human, but I do not accept that it is true...not really, otherwise why would I strive for a perfection that is not designed for me to have. Robots, in fact, are not perfect. They are created by men and since man is fallible, so are these bots. I guess this person i can't stand not to be is also created by man...created by me. It is as much a falsity as the god i was tortured by and the the bot i thought it would be easier to be. I am not a robot. I don't want to be one either. What I want is to be free and for that freedom to be rght and good and enjoyable.

I/ ENFJ

Do you know what I mean when I say I am an INFJ? I'm actually able to draw energy from being alone at times and from being with people at other times so I am actually an ENFJ also. The most obvious part of this is that I am an F. I feel everything. More powerful than even that is my intuition. It is so strong that more often than not I know how someone is feeling before they do and this gets me in trouble, a lot.

Honestly, I don't even know how to be with people, or without them. Life feels very uncomfortable right now.

I am still full of joy and hope and even peace, but I realize more and more that this world is not my home and I am seriously looking forward to my real home.

God have mercy on me and mold me into something useful for Your Kingdom because even with my best intentions I am making messes.

This is for YOU!

HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO BLIND FOR 30 YEARS? I'VE READ THIS VERSE COUNTLESS TIMES AND I NEVER ONCE ACTUALLY BELIEVED IT. Yes, this blog is going to be somewhat of a sermon because I just can't keep this kind of Truth to myself. I am praying God will open your eyes and make you hungry for it so that you, too, can feast on what is right in front of you and be free.

2 Corinthians 4: 7-12 ( Don't quit reading now just because I'm quoting the Bible. This is the good stuff. Give it a chance for your own sake.)

"But we have this treasure in clay jars, so that it will be evident that such overwhelming power comes from God and not from us. We have all kinds of troubles, but we are not crushed; we are perplexed, yet not in despair; persecuted, yet not abandoned; knocked down, yet not destroyed. We always carry in our bodies the dying of Yeshua( Jesus Christ), so that the life of Yeshua (Jesus Christ) may be manifested in our bodies, too. For we who are alive are always being handed over to death for Yeshua's sake, so that Yeshua's LIFE also might be manifested in our mortal bodies. This death is at work in us, but LIFE in you."

I could pick 20 subjects to highlight about this verse, but the one God made very clear to me this morning is in verse 11. ..."so that the LIFE of Yeshua may be manifested in our mortal bodies".

Can you see it? It doesn't say "so that the life of Yeshua may be manifest in our minds, our hearts or our spirits...it says our "mortal bodies". This is fantastic news for EVERYONE who has a mortal body and especially those who are aware of the weakness of their flesh.

Do you struggle with anxiety, depression, physical pain, emotional pain, mental illness, sinful desires, poor physical health? All of these things are symptoms of mortal bodies. Christ died so we could have victory over even our mortal bodies.

I'm not preaching about instant healing and lives without suffering. Read again verses 8- 10. We are guaranteed suffering in this life, but we don't seem to realize that we who trust Jesus with our entire beings have victory over it all because the power of our Enemy is stripped from him through the power of the Risen Savior.

Here is the hidden Truth that is not hidden at all. The Truth will set you free, but you have to feast on it and you have to believe it. You can read the Bible for 50 years and never have victory because you keep it all as intellectual knowledge and never actually put your faith it. Maybe we aren't desperate enough yet? When I got so desperate that I was literally going to die or go insane from my misery I realized I had to grab hold of the Truth if I wanted to live.

Please hear me! This is not easy. I am not saying it is easy. It isn't easy to hold onto the little life saver off the Cruise Ship when you've already been drowning for an hour and you're exhausted in every part of yourself and you don't even want to survive cuz you know the recovery won't even be easy. You'll have to cough up the poisonous sea water for hours, maybe days and you might end up with pneumonia. You'll be achy and soar from the over exertion of your body when you were trying to survive. You might vomit and come down with the flu, BUT YOU WILL LIVE. You won't just survive, you will be FREE. You will LIVE ABUNDANTLY and know joy you never thought was possible in this life.

Why do I believe this? I have lived it and am currently living it. Do you think its possible for everyone, but you? So did I! Do you think you just don't have what it takes to believe or hold on to the Truth? So did I! Sometimes I still feel that way. Yesterday, in fact, I felt that way. But its just a lie trying to keep you bound to your misery and pain. Cry out to Jesus. He has seen every tear, every ache, every heave of your sobbing heart. He has seen every tear you wanted to cry but couldn't because you're so numb and shut down. He has never abandoned you! He is still there calling your name asking you to grab hold. In fact, if you ask Him, He will give you the strength to grab hold. He will put that life preserver around you and you can give up completely so He can carry you to safety and nurse you back to health.

YOU ARE WORTH IT! Please don't reject it. Please don't reject Him again. He is your friend. He misses you. He weeps to be close to you and heal you.

I love you, whoever you are, because God has filled me with His Love and I just can't contain it anymore.

I am praying for YOU!

Please just consider. Try praying again. He is waiting to hear from you.

Jesus bless you always!

A Prayer of Praise and Petition For the Suffering Saints

Jesus woke me up very early with this prayer on my heart for myself and the precious people at my local church and community. I just want to share it with you because although my hands typed it out and my voice spoke it out through a microphone the words are not mine, they are Jesus interceding for those He loves more deeply than we can imagine. I hope you are encouraged and ignited with passion to pray for those who may suffer in ways you don't understand and especially in ways you do.

Dearest Abba Father, Friend and Savior,

I want to bring before You all of us who are suffering today. I pray for all of us who are struggling mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I pray for those of us who are fighting for freedom from captivity to strongholds the enemy has held us in chains with for far too long. I pray for those of us who are grieving loss and longing for intimacy with You. Jesus, I praise You that You are our Deliverer. I praise you that You are our Victory. I praise you that You are our Healer and The Almighty Prince of Peace. I worship You for what You have done, what You are doing and what You will do in our lives because we love You and are called according to Your purpose. Your plans and purposes for us are not to harm us, but to give us a future and Hope in You. I praise You for Your immeasurable Love You lavish on us every day through your continuous forgiveness paid for by Your precious blood spilled from the cross of Your suffering. I praise You for the peace that surpasses understanding and the joy that gives us strength to face another day through the power of the Holy Spirit.

I pray for those who are suffering without the knowledge and assurance of Your Presence in their lives. Please reveal Yourself to them in personal and profound ways that they may receive Your Love and place their trust in You and find the freedom they've been searching for.

Thank You that You never leave or forsake us and for the freedom to worship openly in this country without fear of brutal persecution. Receive our worship now as a sweet smelling fragrance of our love and adoration for You and meet us where we are. Be our God and we will be Your people.

In the precious, Holy, Powerful Name of Jesus Christ our Messiah.

Amen!

When No One Sees Me Fighting

One of the most difficult things about my Christian life is the feeling that people don't really know me. I do my best to communicate who I am to them through conversation, acts of love and encouragement, words of affirmation and service. I try to share my heart: both the struggle and the victories. I am willing to share my testimony with anyone who wants to know, but very few want to know, I feel, and even fewer really want to know the ugly details of the fight I've been through. Perhaps they feel helpless or overwhelmed by it or even triggered into memories of their past they are hiding from. I don't know. It just leaves me feeling isolated.

Its not all bad though because I am a very sensitive person so if they started dumping their life story on me I might feel the same way. It really is God's protection that keeps them from sharing as openly with me as I do, or want to, with them.

But sometimes I want people to know what life is like for me on my tough days. I want them to know that I am fighting the good fight. I am being obedient and standing in faith upon The Rock of Ages. I want them to join me in prayer and encourage me to keep fighting. I want to hear that they see I am doing my best and that it is good enough. I want to be encouraged the way I seek to encourage others. Maybe this is wrong. Maybe I shouldn't seek men's approval. Maybe I should just be satisfied with the voice of Jesus whispering to me in the midst of the battle, "I will never leave you or forsake you. I am your refuge and the lifter of your head. I am He who sees you and Loves you."

But, don't you ever just want to hear it from a fellow human? I'd rather hear it from Jesus any day, if I had to choose one or the other, but sometimes I need human arms to hold me and the physical tears of others to show me they see my pain and acknowledge I am fighting a winning battle. Sometimes I just want to hear someone say, "I'm sorry you were hurt so bad when you were a defenseless 5 year old little girl. I'm so sorry you have had to suffer and struggle so hard just to hang on to a faith that a raging enemy doesn't want you to even believe in."

I believe that is what the church is supposed to be for. We are supposed to fellowship with one another and pray and encourage each other. We are supposed to show love to each other so that when others look on they will know we belong to a God of Love by the way we love each other and them.

Last night when it was too late to text my prayer warriors and family my need for prayer I was forced to fight a very real battle with the enemy. The enemy consists of the world's attempted influence on me, the flesh I won't be completely free of until Jesus calls me home and the powers of darkness and their schemes. I was alone, isolated and afraid (as usual). I thought I was outnumbered and I would surely be defeated.

I got online and emailed my church for prayer knowing they wouldn't get the message until at least the next day. Then I checked my email. There was a message from a member of my church. It was a message of encouragement and a reminder of a man in the Bible named Gideon. He was also forced to fight a battle he felt ill equipped to handle. God told him He would be with him and that despite his being grossly outnumbered God delivered his enemy into Gideons hands. I grabbed my Bible and started reading about this Gideon I'd heard about before but never felt very connected to. Suddenly his story felt very real to me, so real in fact that I spent the next hour on my knees praying, crying out the God my deliverer and claiming His promises from across the thousands of years of scripture. It is full of hope for those in raging battles such as mine.

I put on the armor in Ephesians 6 and I cast my anxiety of Jesus petitioning Him for help and thanking Him for His Love and faithfulness as it says to in Philippians 4:6. I discovered a verse I'd never taken note of in verse 4, too, about rejoicing always in the Lord and letting my gentleness be evident to all. Suddenly the Holy Spirit flooded my mind with all kinds of scriptures and I began to pray them back to Him in a weeping declaration of victory over my defeated enemy. I'll have to blog about my view of Ephesians 6 sometime, but for now I just want you to know that God answered my cry for help. He fulfilled His promises and He gave me peace and the ability to sleep.

I may have been alone in my home, but I was not fighting alone and I was not defenseless. I know that Jesus was there with me and possibly a large gathering of angels with spiritual weapons I know nothing about. Most of all, I had the freedom to use the greatest weapon any of us has...The precious and powerful Word of the Living God. It is living and active and sharper than any two edged sword. We are so fortunate to have the freedom to own and feast upon these Holy Scriptures.

Don't ever wonder why I want to worship constantly. God is worthy and I know it. He is everything to me and I am completely dependent on Him for my every breath, my every joy, my every need and my every victory. I love Him in a way I never knew a human could Love. I need Him more than I ever knew a human could need.

Do you know this mighty warrior God who died to to make His power over the enemy available to you? I encourage you to seek Him out because He is the greatest gift, treasure and prize you will ever discover.

Jesus bless you always and may you come to know His massive, unending Love for YOU!

Please Forgive Me

The fact is, I can't control anything. I can't control how I feel most of the time, although I am learning to take control of how I react. I can't control other people and whether they like or dislike me. I can't control life circumstances to a large degree, though I can control my choices within those circumstances. Most of all, I can't control God. I can, however pray.

I am finding that I cannot stop praying. I am so desperate that I pray just about all day long. I would be alarmed by my desperation except for the fact that if it is driving me to "pray without ceasing" than I must be desperate for the One who Loves me more than His own earthly life. That is comforting in some way amidst the uncontrollable feelings of desperation.

We sing about this kind of desperation at church in a worship song called "The Air I Breathe". That is what I'm talking about. To be so aware of your utter helplessness without God to guide you. To be so in tuned with His heart that when you look at your own you see how much is lacking and how far you have to go. But, also, to see yourself through the blood of the only perfect sacrificial Lamb of God and know that in Him you are complete and lacking nothing and you have everything you need to live a Godly life. What is this dichotomy?

Is this what it means to give up our lives in order to find True Life? Is this what Christ meant when He said to deny ourselves and pick up our cross daily and follow Him? Is this what its supposed to feel like when we have the ability to move mountains based on a mustard seed's worth of faith. I'm not sure I even have a mustard seed's worth of faith, but I'm sure gonna pray for it.

No one ever told me how hard being a Christian can be. Somewhere along the line I thought it would feel differently. I thought I'd feel strong and that I'd impress people with my overflowing Love for Jesus. That isn't how it has played out.

I have failed more times than not. I have rebelled more than I ever thought I could. I have hurt people and let people down. I have disrespected my self and nearly destroyed my life. All this while I was claiming to be a Christian. Thank God He knew my heart and that I wanted to act like a Christian should. Thank God that He knew how hurt I was and why I was lashing out and misbehaving. Thank God He didn't give up on me when I deserved it. Thank God for the people who loved me through it all so I could heal and begin to become whole. There is so much to thank God for. Mostly, I thank God for Jesus.

Jesus is everything to me. He is everyone I need Him to be and everywhere I need Him to go with me. He listens to me for hours and hours, day after day, year after year..forever. He lets me be myself with Him. He lets me spew out the poison I feel and then He holds me while I cry about how hurt an angry and disappointed I am in life. Then He gently speaks His Truth into my heart and fills me up with joy, peace, hope and His Love. He makes me want to share my heart with others and what He has done in it. He makes me want to be everything He has made me to be. He makes me want to worship Him at every opportunity and in every circumstance. And I just can't get to the bottom of His Love for me.

He Loves me when I am ugly and act foolishly. He Loves me when I do silly things to embarrass myself. He Loves me when I'm drooling in my sleep and He especially adores me when in my attempts to please Him I get all wrapped up in legalism. Nothing I can do can separate me from His Love. NOTHING! NO ONE! NOT ANYTHING! I am Loved forever without condition.

This kind of Love makes me trust Him when I can't see Him, when I can't understand why I am suffering or why someone I care about is suffering. His Love causes me to trust when there is no earthly reason why I should. It is a supernatural trust that I couldn't even muster up on my own.

Being raped at 5 years old does something to a child's ability to trust people and it does even more to a humans ability to perceive and trust a Loving God. The fact that I believe in Jesus is a flat out miracle and testament to the power of Jesus Christ.

Maybe you have suffered in ways that cause you to doubt or even reject the idea that Jesus is real or that God is Loving and good. I don't blame you. I don't blame you if your ability to perceive Him has been marred by the tongues of those claiming to know and Love this God of Love while they judge and criticize you for your beliefs, or lack of. Maybe you have too many questions an too many doubts to make searching feel worth it anymore.

Can I just do one thing for you before you give up completely on this Jesus guy? Can I just say one thing and then I'll leave you to your own decision? I just want to ask you a question...just one.

Will you please forgive me?

I don't know you. I may never have hurt you intentionally, but it was definitely my sin that affected you in some way. I believe every one's sin affects everyone else. Besides that, I want to repent on my knees before you on behalf of everyone who isn't willing to ask your forgiveness for their sins against you. You are worth it!

Please forgive me as though I am the person who raped you, the child who rejected you, the friend who betrayed you, the spouse who beat you and abandoned you. Please forgive me as though I am the person who molested your child or you. Please forgive me as though I am the person who murdered your loved one, or stole your identity or anything that belonged to you rightfully. I stand in the place of the condemned criminal and ask for your forgiveness. I stand at the pulpit of a corrupt church and ask your forgiveness for manipulating you with scripture to further my career and swindle you out of your money in the name of Jesus heaping on the guilt. I ask your forgiveness as though I am the one who hated you because of your race, your sexual orientation and your political beliefs. I ask your forgiveness on behalf of every one of your worst enemies. I beg your forgiveness for the ways you have been hurt, abused and neglected without mercy. I beg your forgiveness for the ways you have hated yourself and wanted to end your own life. I ask your forgiveness for the one who did end it all and has left you to deal with the life left behind.

Forgiveness is impossible without the grace of God, for me. Forgiveness for such wicked and even subtle sins is not easily given because it hurts so deeply and takes root in our very identity.

Jesus died so that I could be forgiven and I could have the power to forgive others. He also allows me the privilege of asking forgiveness for the sins of others not because it can save them, but because it can open a door to the heart of the one offering forgiveness whether the person who needs to repent is wiling to do so or not.

I have no power to set you free from your pain, but Jesus does and He is knocking at your door hoping you will let Him in so He can Love you the way you've always been wanting to be loved.

Like I said earlier...following Christ is no easy road, but it is the most freeing, the most Truthful and the most fulfilling relationship I have ever had and I am in Love. I don't ever want to go back to the way it was. I just want to spend more and more time with the Lover of my soul and the Savior of my life.

May Jesus reveal His Love and power to you in every way you need it today.