bots n gods

I'm so flipping amused by something so mundane and techy that I'm not going to write about the deep subject-matter I had planned, just to give space and energy to this amusement. Upon posting a comment on a friends blog i was asked to prove i am not a robot by entering funny looking squiggly letters. I did so, but my thoughts wanted to prove more complexly how I know I am not a robot. Short answer: I FEEL! Medium answer: I was not created by humans. Longer explanation: I have wished more than several million times to be a puppet, an animal and even a robot just to escape the burden of making choices. yes, for me, choice is a burden. Raised to believe I would be punished mercilessly for my choices if they in fact were wrong or mistaken, I was tortured by inescapable fear of a god that manipulated people to love him by threatening them with not just demise, but endless and ongoing, unrelenting suffering of the most hanous kind should they not do his will and achieve perfection before death. I may not have been created by humans, but this god was and I was tortured by him. I no longer believe he is god at all. I am not completely free, but i'm on my way. I am closer than ever before and though it hurts like hell, it sends me to heaven when the healing seals the Truth in. If I were a robot i would not suffer as i do. If I were a puppet i wouldn't be held responsible for my choices, because in fact I would not have choice. Choice is what it is because it must bear responsibility for the freedom that makes it. I have always felt too weak to bear the responsibility, the consequences and the burdens of choice. Even the act of choosing seems to be endlessly conflicting for my psyche. The fear of choosing wrong or choosing something I may not be strong enough to see through to the end feels intolerable. If my choices affect others negatively i am even more disturbed, even enraged toward myself. I'd rather not exits than affect others negatively. Of course this is not rational or at all human....hmmmm....not human i say?! Am I then, a robot? No. BUT, I am have been trying to not suffer and not take responsibility as if I am a robot. No one would be able to detect it from interacting with me because most people notice right away how hard i am on myself, how I try too hard at everything and beat myself up when I fail. They see easily that I blame myself for things that are not my fault and would rather forgive than not. Seeming contradictory? Yes, it seems so. I live like a human, but I do not accept that it is true...not really, otherwise why would I strive for a perfection that is not designed for me to have. Robots, in fact, are not perfect. They are created by men and since man is fallible, so are these bots. I guess this person i can't stand not to be is also created by man...created by me. It is as much a falsity as the god i was tortured by and the the bot i thought it would be easier to be. I am not a robot. I don't want to be one either. What I want is to be free and for that freedom to be rght and good and enjoyable.