The Perfect Deception

The perfect deception is the deception of perfection. It's the most convincing distraction from joy, the widest path to fear and the quickest way to die. I'm giving it up. I'm going to let the "perfect me" go for the privilege of meeting and enjoying a relationship with the real me. She's who I've been searching for. She's who I admire. She's the champ and the one worth living with. The dramatic scifi film, Gattaca, depicts the dual hatred of both the perfect facade and the most imperfect true self. The hatred of being invalidated for what is imperfect and being filled with hate for the prison of perfectionism. The hero, Vincent, achieves his dream by collaborating with a genetically perfect, but broken, Jerome. Jerome dwindles from the arrogance an elitism to a resigned suicidal victim of his own identity. While Vincent, the in-valid finds love, success and freedom from stigma, Jerome is burned away by the very furnace that once protected Vincent from identity exposure. What is it about perfection that gets us so blinded and hooked that we become its slave? Is success something to be scorned? Do we not envy, idolize and admire those who go before us in the pursuit of greatness? Where is the breakdown? Where does healthy turn to destructive and how can I stay in the most ideal state of idealism? It's something to do with the self. The finding of the real self and the relinquishing of the self that one thought was the real self. The stripping off of the defenses that hide the pure child beneath and then treating the child with the care every child should be given from the beginning and on into eternity. But we fear the child. We fear hating our truest self and being left with no facade to buffer the despair. At least a lie can keep us alive for a while. Like consciousness altering drugs we are kept from facing the reality that might kill us and might set us free. I faced her. The real me. She was feirsome to behold. She was more frightened than frightening and more loving than lovable. She almost killed me trying to get free and now that I love her, there is nothing left to fear. But just as Vincent could not reach his dream without the benevolence of Jerome and another who knew his true identity, I would not have made it here without my facades and my Savior. They both saved me, but only One gave me True Life.

God is BIGGER than... pancakes?

He was young...younger than me, but older than a boy. He looked like a young, blonde Clark Kent. Maybe it was the glasses or the way he presented himself. I was immediately filled with adoration- the kind of adoration one has immediately upon seeing a puppy or a kitten. Only minutes ago I had been crying out to Jesus for His comfort...more like having it out with Jesus, but thank God He understands me or it may have seemed disrespectful. I decided I needed pancakes and eggs from Denny's. There was no question in my mind I needed pancakes from Denny's. So [Ihop-ped] in my truck and headed there. Half way I started my infamous introspective contradiction. I sat in the Denny's parking lot for a minute debating how much I really needed syrup, sausage and carb loading at 10pm. I decided to go through with my endeavor based souly on trust. Trust that God hadn't mislead me. The young man( I'll call him Clark) greeted me as I entered. He was showing a couple to their seats, but he let me know he'd be with me in a moment. I was on a mission to get some semi quick pancakes to go and I got right to it. As I placed my order I was tickled in my brain by this Clark. He was so there with me. He was serving ME. He saw me, he listened to me, he responded to me and he smiled at me. I wasn't just another customer. I was his top priority for the moment. I paid and went to sit and wait for my food to be prepared. I busied myself on my cell phone, but this delightful fellow interrupted my isolation with an offer of water while I waited. I found myself responding in the affirmative, despite my not being very thirsty, simply because I wanted to validate this young mans hospitality. I was so impressed that I went on Facebook and checked in at Denny's with a comment about how I've always appreciated their exceptional service. I had been debating what kind of tip to give him before he offered me the water. I has a $1 and a $5. I now scrunched the $5 in my pocket so it'd be ready. I just wanted to slip it to him without any weirdness... He brought my food and I found myself being very me by openly telling this young guy why I was tipping him well. "You made me smile" is what I said was the reason for my 50% tip. He said thank you and then opened the door for me. HE OPENED THE DOOR FOR ME!!! "Were you raised well? I mean, did someone teach you manners?" Oh God, I need to learn to think before I speak. He looked a bit bewildered and unsure how to respond so I continued to try and explain myself. "Well, cuz you do...have manners. It's rare. You're a gentleman. Thank you so much." I left Denny's brighter inside. It wasn't the pancakes. It wasn't the price. It was Clark. Two things I remember Clark saying: "I hope you smile the rest of the evening. Drive safe" I got in my truck and cried happy tears and heard myself saying to God, " You are so big. You're bigger than pancakes." There are things I experience that feel so awful I get to questioning a God I truly believe in because its just too big for me to understand. I'm learning to let go of figuring it all out and rest in trust that God is on my side and doing great things in me, for me, through me and with me. I experienced a revelation about God because a young gentleman smiled at me and showed me kindness and genuine interaction. It's not random. It's not over-analyzed. It's not over anything. It's the way my God is with me and I adore Him...but not like a puppy or a kitten. I adore Him like something I can't even describe yet.

I'm Missing

I miss you. I missed you before I knew you. I missed you when i met you. I miss you when I'm with you and when I'm not. I miss the past you weren't in and the present you are in. I miss the future with you. I miss you much I like I miss the children I haven't given birth to, the memories I haven't made and the things I haven't felt. I miss you like the things I don't know, but that affect me very much simply because i don't know them. I miss you like something that was meant to be, but is not and may never be. It leaves a hole where no one but my perception can feel the emptiness. I don't care if this sounds irrational. I don't care if it doesn't make sense to anyone but me. I am glad I have this ability. Its deep and rich and it creates spaces to be filled by things that exist because of the grief. It doesn't have to be rational to be important. It doesn't have to be understood by human minds to be real. It is mine to have and to hold for as long as I choose. It is mine to explore, love and use. It is a secret between me and me and the One who made me and understands what no one else ever will. I can't say it feels good, but neither does the burn I feel in my muscles when i push them to a new level. Over time my mind can associate pain as a good thing for what it produces and who it allows me to be. I will carry this cross and not just endure, but gratefully praise The Father for the weight of it, the splinters, the awkwardness and the sadness. I miss you because you are more than I can understand and yet you stand in front of me as though you are finite. You are not. You are housed in finitity, but you contain traces of eternity right now that shed light on dark places inside me. My unaccustomed eyes shut tight as i try to unbelieve what has just been proven. It hurts. It hurts that you exist. I want you to go away as soon as possible so I can stop missing you. There is closure in definiteness. There is no relief in uncertainty unless I enjoy it as i would a pleasant surprise, but I don't. It aches. I fear the ache, I remember the ache and I project the ache. I cannot escape it unless I create definitity. I keep trying unsuccessfully. Please go away. I don't seem to have what it takes to walk away. I'll scream and curse your back as you go. Then I'll weep with remorse and beat myself to a bloody pulp. But once that passes I will be stronger, more independent and less likely to drag out this kind of hopeless hope again quite like this time. I always end up respecting the ones who give me space. Space is different then shutting the heart off and abandoning. It has similar looking colors, but it is nothing the same. It is the quiet power that is compelling beyond the most eloquent words. It is the most amazing withness possible. Knowing I am loved from an adult distance, but feeling held like a sleeping child.

2Bkind

HA! I just almost berated myself for forgetting something...until I remembered that i didn't forget. Yes, that IS possible and it ISN'T improper English, or poorly worded. I was asked to mail some letters. I remembered that I had taken them with me on an errand, but i temporarily forgot that I actually mailed them. During the temporary fail i was disheartened because the timing of the letter would affect several people. I was just about to give myself a tongue lashing when i remembered photographically/cinematographley that i had already completed the task and there was no need to feel or speak negatively about myself. I wonder how many times I do this with life issues more unseen and intangible than mail? I suspect quite a lot. It's sad. It's unnecessary. It isn't helpful and it doesn't just affect me. Every time I am cruel or impatient with myself the energy in my body changes color. I breath and speak that color out and it affects others around me. It would be kind of me toward others to be kinder to myself. Even if i had forgotten to mail those letters, if I can be kind to me, how much more will i also extend grace and patience to others who are imperfect? Something to think about. Something to celebrate...the right to be kind to myself ...permission to be kind to myself ...the responsibility to be kind to myself ...the choice to be kind to myself and others...

bots n gods

I'm so flipping amused by something so mundane and techy that I'm not going to write about the deep subject-matter I had planned, just to give space and energy to this amusement. Upon posting a comment on a friends blog i was asked to prove i am not a robot by entering funny looking squiggly letters. I did so, but my thoughts wanted to prove more complexly how I know I am not a robot. Short answer: I FEEL! Medium answer: I was not created by humans. Longer explanation: I have wished more than several million times to be a puppet, an animal and even a robot just to escape the burden of making choices. yes, for me, choice is a burden. Raised to believe I would be punished mercilessly for my choices if they in fact were wrong or mistaken, I was tortured by inescapable fear of a god that manipulated people to love him by threatening them with not just demise, but endless and ongoing, unrelenting suffering of the most hanous kind should they not do his will and achieve perfection before death. I may not have been created by humans, but this god was and I was tortured by him. I no longer believe he is god at all. I am not completely free, but i'm on my way. I am closer than ever before and though it hurts like hell, it sends me to heaven when the healing seals the Truth in. If I were a robot i would not suffer as i do. If I were a puppet i wouldn't be held responsible for my choices, because in fact I would not have choice. Choice is what it is because it must bear responsibility for the freedom that makes it. I have always felt too weak to bear the responsibility, the consequences and the burdens of choice. Even the act of choosing seems to be endlessly conflicting for my psyche. The fear of choosing wrong or choosing something I may not be strong enough to see through to the end feels intolerable. If my choices affect others negatively i am even more disturbed, even enraged toward myself. I'd rather not exits than affect others negatively. Of course this is not rational or at all human....hmmmm....not human i say?! Am I then, a robot? No. BUT, I am have been trying to not suffer and not take responsibility as if I am a robot. No one would be able to detect it from interacting with me because most people notice right away how hard i am on myself, how I try too hard at everything and beat myself up when I fail. They see easily that I blame myself for things that are not my fault and would rather forgive than not. Seeming contradictory? Yes, it seems so. I live like a human, but I do not accept that it is true...not really, otherwise why would I strive for a perfection that is not designed for me to have. Robots, in fact, are not perfect. They are created by men and since man is fallible, so are these bots. I guess this person i can't stand not to be is also created by man...created by me. It is as much a falsity as the god i was tortured by and the the bot i thought it would be easier to be. I am not a robot. I don't want to be one either. What I want is to be free and for that freedom to be rght and good and enjoyable.

I/ ENFJ

Do you know what I mean when I say I am an INFJ? I'm actually able to draw energy from being alone at times and from being with people at other times so I am actually an ENFJ also. The most obvious part of this is that I am an F. I feel everything. More powerful than even that is my intuition. It is so strong that more often than not I know how someone is feeling before they do and this gets me in trouble, a lot.

Honestly, I don't even know how to be with people, or without them. Life feels very uncomfortable right now.

I am still full of joy and hope and even peace, but I realize more and more that this world is not my home and I am seriously looking forward to my real home.

God have mercy on me and mold me into something useful for Your Kingdom because even with my best intentions I am making messes.

This is for YOU!

HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO BLIND FOR 30 YEARS? I'VE READ THIS VERSE COUNTLESS TIMES AND I NEVER ONCE ACTUALLY BELIEVED IT. Yes, this blog is going to be somewhat of a sermon because I just can't keep this kind of Truth to myself. I am praying God will open your eyes and make you hungry for it so that you, too, can feast on what is right in front of you and be free.

2 Corinthians 4: 7-12 ( Don't quit reading now just because I'm quoting the Bible. This is the good stuff. Give it a chance for your own sake.)

"But we have this treasure in clay jars, so that it will be evident that such overwhelming power comes from God and not from us. We have all kinds of troubles, but we are not crushed; we are perplexed, yet not in despair; persecuted, yet not abandoned; knocked down, yet not destroyed. We always carry in our bodies the dying of Yeshua( Jesus Christ), so that the life of Yeshua (Jesus Christ) may be manifested in our bodies, too. For we who are alive are always being handed over to death for Yeshua's sake, so that Yeshua's LIFE also might be manifested in our mortal bodies. This death is at work in us, but LIFE in you."

I could pick 20 subjects to highlight about this verse, but the one God made very clear to me this morning is in verse 11. ..."so that the LIFE of Yeshua may be manifested in our mortal bodies".

Can you see it? It doesn't say "so that the life of Yeshua may be manifest in our minds, our hearts or our spirits...it says our "mortal bodies". This is fantastic news for EVERYONE who has a mortal body and especially those who are aware of the weakness of their flesh.

Do you struggle with anxiety, depression, physical pain, emotional pain, mental illness, sinful desires, poor physical health? All of these things are symptoms of mortal bodies. Christ died so we could have victory over even our mortal bodies.

I'm not preaching about instant healing and lives without suffering. Read again verses 8- 10. We are guaranteed suffering in this life, but we don't seem to realize that we who trust Jesus with our entire beings have victory over it all because the power of our Enemy is stripped from him through the power of the Risen Savior.

Here is the hidden Truth that is not hidden at all. The Truth will set you free, but you have to feast on it and you have to believe it. You can read the Bible for 50 years and never have victory because you keep it all as intellectual knowledge and never actually put your faith it. Maybe we aren't desperate enough yet? When I got so desperate that I was literally going to die or go insane from my misery I realized I had to grab hold of the Truth if I wanted to live.

Please hear me! This is not easy. I am not saying it is easy. It isn't easy to hold onto the little life saver off the Cruise Ship when you've already been drowning for an hour and you're exhausted in every part of yourself and you don't even want to survive cuz you know the recovery won't even be easy. You'll have to cough up the poisonous sea water for hours, maybe days and you might end up with pneumonia. You'll be achy and soar from the over exertion of your body when you were trying to survive. You might vomit and come down with the flu, BUT YOU WILL LIVE. You won't just survive, you will be FREE. You will LIVE ABUNDANTLY and know joy you never thought was possible in this life.

Why do I believe this? I have lived it and am currently living it. Do you think its possible for everyone, but you? So did I! Do you think you just don't have what it takes to believe or hold on to the Truth? So did I! Sometimes I still feel that way. Yesterday, in fact, I felt that way. But its just a lie trying to keep you bound to your misery and pain. Cry out to Jesus. He has seen every tear, every ache, every heave of your sobbing heart. He has seen every tear you wanted to cry but couldn't because you're so numb and shut down. He has never abandoned you! He is still there calling your name asking you to grab hold. In fact, if you ask Him, He will give you the strength to grab hold. He will put that life preserver around you and you can give up completely so He can carry you to safety and nurse you back to health.

YOU ARE WORTH IT! Please don't reject it. Please don't reject Him again. He is your friend. He misses you. He weeps to be close to you and heal you.

I love you, whoever you are, because God has filled me with His Love and I just can't contain it anymore.

I am praying for YOU!

Please just consider. Try praying again. He is waiting to hear from you.

Jesus bless you always!